MINNEAPOLIS — Agents with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement spent a recent lunch break sharing stories about how they were removed from military service, in what participants described as “a team-building exercise.”
“I got caught putting a camera in the women’s shower,” said one masked agent, prompting a chorus of “That’s good shit” and “Hell yeah, brother.”
“I was in the Navy,” another agent said. “I was on the no-carry list for two years before they discharged me for a personality disorder. All I did was keep a fire axe and a hit list under my mattress. I still qualified when they let me shoot, though, because I imagined the targets were people on the ship.”
One agent, who had been nodding along, said he never made it past initial screening.
“I almost joined, but I got disqualified at MEPS,” he said. “They told me with the number of psychos in the military, getting caught there is actually kind of impressive. Probably for the best. I would’ve punched the drill instructor the second they got in my face.”
After taking a few minutes to arrest the people serving them food, the agents continued on with their stories.
“I got in trouble for bringing fireworks to the range,” another agent said.
“That’s sick,” a colleague replied, and the two bumped fists in agreement.
“Meth,” he said, drawing nods from others. After a pause, he added, “No, I mean, does anyone want to smoke some?”
Officials did not respond to requests for comment on the gathering, though sources said similar conversations are “common across field offices.”
At press time, several agents were seen behind the restaurant repeating “the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” to each other while laughing.
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