WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army will begin using artificial intelligence-powered non-commissioned officers to help with an ongoing manpower and recruiting crisis, the Army’s top leader announced today.

“Most soldiers communicate with their NCOs these days through text,” said Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George. “So why not give them a digital NCO they can get immediate answers to 24/7?”

Initial results show that the AI-generated messages are remarkably similar to what soldiers are familiar with. With extensive machine learning training, most robot NCOs have already mastered sharing useful feedback with subordinates along with the appropriate levels of annoyance, hatred, and dip spit. “Now leave requests and sick call notifications can be declined without delay,” Gen. George said.

“This is great,” Command Sgt. Maj Alex Niculescu told reporters. “No more sergeants distracted by frivolous things with their soldiers like caring for their health and establishing emotional connections.”