By Dick Scuttlebutt

REDSTONE ARSENAL, Alabama — The Army admitted Monday that the poison supply on one of its major research and development bases had become severely contaminated with drinking water.

Col. Bill Macy, spokesman for Redstone Arsenal, the Alabama base where the government does much of its testing of rockets and new weapons systems, spoke to the press ahead of a general release of the audit from the Office of the Inspector General.

“While it’s true that Redstone’s supplies of dioxin, sarin, mustard, and good ol’ American rocket fuel have been contaminated by drinking water, I want to assure residents of this base, and of the beautiful city of Huntsville right outside our gates, that the problem is being handled,” Macy said in response to a question from Village Voice.

“Individuals who want to knock off their spouse, or assassinate a Russian dissident on NATO soil, will still be able to get fresh poison right from the tap.”

The new report is just the latest in a string of alarming reports from installations across the Department of Defense confirming that pure, unsullied drinking water has tainted supplies of precious, precious poison. From small bases like Fort Detrick, Maryland, and Fort Hamilton, New York; to massive ones such as Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam, Hawaii, and Fort Hood, Texas; over two dozen garrisons have had confirmed cases of drinking water contamination in their stores of poisons. No current leadership has commented on the issue, but several retired officers have spoken out.

“I built my career on shipping live and extremely dangerous chemical weapons all over creation without regard to accountability or caution,” commented retired Brig. Gen. William King IV, former commander of the 20th Chemical Command. “If I had known that these wildly hazardous materials I was firing around using our nation’s unguarded postal system were possibly diluted, I would have demanded answers.”

A former president spoke on the condition of anonymity.

“As I’ve always said—anonymously—we have to do a better job of ensuring our nation’s poison stockpiles are unadulterated, at a high state of readiness, and inclusive of LGBTQ+ rights,” said the president, who asked not to be named so that his wife wouldn’t know he’d left the house.

“Some folks say that it’s impossible to keep our deadly toxins and our crystal-clear drinking water separate. I say those folks need to look at our successes, such as when I anonymously ordered us to abandon Iraq to ISIS, for inspiration, and as examples of what American can-do spirit can, uh…do.”

At press time, Redstone had temporarily issued an order to all personnel to refrain from using the on-base poison for consumption, bathing, cooking, and assassinations. The garrison has contracted with a private company to bring in bottled poison until a follow-up audit confirms the contamination has been eliminated. It is expected to cost taxpayers only $175 million per day.