D.C. man forgets to thank Guardsman for his service while being detained
Witnesses say the disrespect rivaled Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and kneeling during the anthem
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what many are calling an egregious display of disrespect and possibly treason, local resident Robert Hernandez reportedly forgot to thank a National Guardsman for his service during his arrest, sources confirmed today.
“I feel awful, I am ashamed,” Hernandez confessed on a recorded jailhouse phone call. “This young man was doing his duty, protecting freedom in the Jersey Mike’s parking lot, and I completely forgot to thank him while he zip-tied me near the Whole Food’s cart return.”
Several bystanders said they were appalled by the blatant lack of gratitude.
“Private Haskel is an American hero,” one witness told reporters. “He’s out here risking his life to defend his country from whatever was going on in that luxury strip mall and this piece of shit doesn’t even say thank you? This is how Rome fell.”
Hernandez’s wife, Sylvia, admitted she felt conflicted.
“I know my husband didn’t mean to disrespect the troops, he was just picking up lunch. But the Guardsman was doing his duty. He tackled Bob so hard into the curb that his sub exploded across the pavement. You don’t just not thank someone after that kind of dedication to their nation.”
Reached for comment, Private Haskel, the Guardsman in question, admitted it can be confusing.
“One second people are screaming that I’m a jackbooted thug, the next they’re asking for a selfie and buying me a round of Fireball. Honestly, I just wanted to pay for college,” Haskel said.
At press time, Hernandez was drafting a handwritten apology card addressed to “All Service Members, Past and Present” which he plans to read aloud at his arraignment on undeclared charges.
Thank goodness he was taken down before he could carry out an attack with that sub. If properly toasted, there's no telling what damage that bread might do, especially if it's the 9-grain wheat. I also worry that we will see an upswing in National Guard stolen valor in a few years. 2035 bar scene: "Yeah, I was right there, bro, in front of the Lincoln Memorial, where all the bad shit went down. One of our guys who had just made it out alive from a patrol through Georgetown took a 12-inch Turkey Tom right to the gut. I'll never forget that look of desperation while he was standing there, trying to pick lettuce and peppercini off of his blouse. Crushing." That's before he gets called out by another local: "Bullshit. You weren't in the Guard, you were an active-duty sailor on CVN-70 all through 2025!" Chaos ensues.
Ha ha ha ha!