WASHINGTON — In its efforts to identify and eliminate waste in the federal government, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced today that it could not physically locate a single chief warrant officer to fire.

“We’ve been told that chief warrant officers were among the most inefficient of all government employees,” said DOGE department head Elon Musk. “But our initial research into the matter has cast their very existence into doubt.”

Musk said his team searched bases, offices, and housing units across all U.S. military services, but they were unable to find a single chief warrant officer or even anybody who could confirm they’d seen one.

“You can’t fire me if you can’t find me,” read a note at the bottom of a coffee mug at Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune, allegedly belonging to Chief Warrant Officer 3 Dennis Perrault, but which members of the unit say has been sitting on his desk “at least since the Gulf War.”