DoD rushes to add obvious 'woke' things to keep Hegseth busy

“Hey, someone close the door, the weekly interoffice gay pride parade is kind of loud.”

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has been feverishly brainstorming and implementing increasingly “woke” initiatives in a desperate bid to keep Fox News contributor, non-profit mismanager, and potential insider threat Pete Hegseth perpetually busy as the new Pentagon leader. The goal? To provide Hegseth with a never-ending stream of content to rail against, ensuring his eternal engagement and perhaps a modicum of peace for the rest of us.

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Duffel Blog was allowed to observe a mock briefing for Hegseth from staffers at the Pentagon.

“Well, sir, that only leaves a discussion of the nuclear triad’s current posture,” remarked a weary analyst. “Hey, someone close the door, the weekly interoffice gay pride parade is kind of loud.”

The staffer playing Hegseth became visibly agitated at the prospect of such a challenge to his absolute masculinity. “You can pause on those nuclear codes,” Hegseth said. “This parade now has my direct attention.”

“Looks like we either have to buy another F-35 or sponsor a year of drag queen story hours. Well sir, your call, but if we are discussing F-35s, maybe this is also a great opportunity to address the buttplugs in the F-35 cockpits. The pilots across the service were pretty excited about the inclusion. You know, since both males and females have buttholes,” another Pentagon official said.

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Among the more audacious proposals being floated is an eight-hour brief on a machine in development that could theoretically perform gender reassignment surgery on male servicemembers while simultaneously blaring a recording of a Black lesbian reading the Communist Manifesto.