UNDERGROUND BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO — After the stunning conclusion of the presidential election on Tuesday, doomsday prepper Eric Hicks has a surplus of ammunition and no apocalypse to shoot at, sources confirmed.
On Wednesday, Hicks disappointingly awoke to an America not being overrun with transgender communists, goose-stepping femnazis, or invading UN troops dressed in pantsuits. From a coffee table constructed of 7.62x51 NATO ammo crates, Hicks openly pondered what he was supposed to do now.
"I thought we'd be under that Sharia law already," he said. "I spent election night wrapping a baseball bat with barbed wire for goodness sake."
With Starbucks still open on every corner, Hicks lamented pouring his life savings into MRE cheese and shelf-stable bread. He also noted the local pizza delivery guy didn't accept payment in .22 long rifle.
"I've got an entire room filled with AR-15 lowers," said Hicks. "What the hell am I supposed to do with all that?"
At press time, Mr Hicks was on his way to the Gas-N-Sip to ask for his old job back.