First E4 Senator holds up nominations until DoD allows hands in pockets
E4 Mafia makes power move in US Senate
Legislators and Service Leaders band together to keep the E4 Mafia down.
CAPITOL HILL, Washington DC – Using the Senate’s tradition of unanimous consent to block nominations of civilian appointees and military promotions to colonel and above, Senator Brandon “Wintergreen” Hoffman (I-E4), the nation’s first E4 Senator is defying Senate rules and norms until the Department of Defense changes the policy denying service members their fundamental right to place their hands in their pockets.
“I was elected to this office solely to represent a traditionally underserved population. Sent to Washington by the great E4 mafia of Fort….Fort…well, I can’t remember the names of the Forts anymore after the base renamings. But the point is the same,” Hoffman told Duffel Blog. “It was an honor to serve my country as a soldier, but that experience has long been sullied by unreasonable pocket expectations driven by a corrupt political pro-glove agenda. I will not bend to the will of a tyrant government using our troops in an anti-pocket crusade.”
In an undated photo, Sen. Hoffman (I-E4) fights the power
Hoffman has taken up the hands-in-pocket cause, sponsoring the Military Insulation Treatment Examination Noncompliance, or MITENS act, which would allow all servicemembers to place their hands in their pockets, a practice known as “Air Force Mittens.”
The bill faces opposition from both sides of the aisle, as Democrats decry the dangerous precedent set by holding up routine nominations and Republicans vow to prevent escalating pocket costs in the face of a historic budget deficit driven by skyrocketing E4 spending levels after a significant increase in lost ear plugs at the last crew-served weapons range.
“The voting citizens of the smoke pit care deeply about this issue,” Wintergreen added as he drooled dip spit into a Monster Energy Drink can. “This might cost me friends in the Senate, but the sham shield will protect me when it’s time for re-election just like when my boy’s pencil found me some extra points during rifle re-qualification.”
Duffel Blog Pentagon analyst and former E4 Hayley Babb predicted that the political stunt will not last beyond the debate of the National Defense Authorization Act this year. “Wintergreen stated publicly that he doesn’t think that E4s should be pawns in the woke pocket agenda,” Babb commented on a panel at the Center for Preferred American Pockets, or CPAP, conference. “But aren’t E4s always pawns? To illustrate my point, consider that bullshit with the duty roster last month.”
Babb argued that warm hands are a moral issue, but ultimately it will be politics as usual for Wintergreen. “The freshman senator was elected on a platform to fight the DoD’s decision to build the new class six at the north gate, which is over by officer housing, and bring valuable jobs, hopefully, filled by THOTs, and Military Special brand tequila closer to the Screaming Eagle barracks at the south gate. Ultimately, Washington insiders believe that Wintergreen will fold on pockets if DoD makes this concession.”
“Some insiders even say he’ll cave if he can use the power of the bully pulpit to cancel the regimental fun run and bring taco Tuesday back to the DFAC,” Babb concluded and, as a civilian, put her hands in her pockets.
Wintergreen plans to parlay his notoriety into increased time for playing Call of Duty while ignoring the call of duty when he announces a bid for the presidency next month after he turns 35.
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it's the selfless service thing to do. She'll go to ranger school when there's a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd.