By Bull Winkle

NAVAL SUBMARINE BASE NEW LONDON, Conn. – U.S. Navy submarines excel at destroying stuff, including things that aren’t enemies. In the past dozen years, Navy subs have banged head-on into such non-belligerents as a fishing trawler, Aegis cruiser, amphibious transport dock, a tanker, and two undersea mountains that had not moved in millions of years.

After each accident, the Navy has vowed to improve navigation skills. While that multi-year program develops, here are some things and places that might suffer a loud meeting with the “Silent Service:”

1. Another U.S. submarine: The surface force is all over smashing into their own, and foreign subs have already done this. They can’t own all the headlines.

2. Bermuda: Who left this island way out in the Atlantic, in the middle of the Gulf Stream, not near a continent or anything? It’s amazing that a sub hasn’t already bumped into this place. Bermuda deserves to get hit anyway as the home of that weirdo grandfather-ish shorts and socks combo. The Navy says somebody needs to move Bermuda out of the way or they’re not responsible for a sub collision.

3. The Kraken: “Unleash the Kraken” was one of the less dangerous political phrases of 2020. Since that never transpired, this Norse beastie probably remains under the waves but is really pissed off that it never got released. This is a maritime security threat. Hopefully, a sub will crash into it before somebody else misappropriates myth to promote crackpot conspiracy theories.

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4. Pangaea: The Pangaea super-continent broke apart 175 million years ago in the Mesozoic era, but burrowing into it is not too tough for our subs. The older chiefs, and some admirals, probably feel a genetic attraction to this ancient land of early dinosaurs. Navy public relations professionals are also hopeful about the possibilities for developing a new series called NCIS Pangaea.

5. Jason Momoa: He’s a stone-cold undersea hunk in Baywatch: Hawaii, Stargate Atlantis, and Aquaman. Come on, who wouldn’t want to bang into Jason Momoa? No sub crew could really be blamed for being drawn in by his intense presence, he actually smolders underwater. Sub designers are even considering replicating Momoa’s mesmerizing gaze on sonar screens to increase crew concentration. Other experts admit that that would be a distraction.

6. Atlantis: not Plato’s fabled island, we’re talking about the mega-resort in Nassau, Bahamas. Although not underwater, the dozens of bars and restaurants at Atlantis beckon any sub to crash in there for a port call. Sure, the Atlantis resort is full of screaming children, frantic adults, and overpriced toys, but so is an average nuclear submarine.

Other Department of Defense observers wonder if submarines will one day bump into the Navy’s navigation program, but that’s too improbable to be taken seriously.

 Lieutenant Dan contributed to this article.

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