Marines who jerked off in porta-potty welcome newborn chemical monster on Father’s Day

“We’re still not sure how this happened, but why question the miracle of life?”

TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Father’s Day is a happy occasion for many servicemembers, and this year the Marines of 1st Battalion, 7th Marines have a special reason to celebrate. As the battalion stood proudly in formation on a wind-swept parade deck made fragrant by nearby Lake Santini, commanding officer Lt. Col. Todd Ota welcomed the newest member of the unit.

“We’re still not sure how this happened, but why question the miracle of life?” Ota stated as he gestured toward the anthropomorphic mound of gelatinous goo standing next to him. “What matters is that the ‘First Team’ family just got bigger. So ladies and gentlemen, please join me in hailing our collective chemical offspring — Wagner the Spermatamental.”

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”It’s a real honor to be here,” said Wagner, glopping over to the microphone. “Hey, beats being at the receiving end of a week’s worth of MRE downloads, am I right? But seriously — I’m grateful for every moment I have and every breath I take because without you, the men of ‘First Team,” I wouldn’t be here.”

The circumstances of Wagner’s conception remain hazy, but the battalion formally acknowledged its “birthday” as June 10.

“That’s the day I found Wagner in the bottom of a porta-shitter in the Gays Pass training area during an exercise,” said Lance Cpl. Willy Dong. “It was only about 130 degrees in the shade — perfect conditions for a little alone time with myself as we were setting up camp. So I went to the shitter, waited a few seconds for a nice lubricating layer of sweat and week-old CLP to build up on my hand, then started getting after it. I was almost done when I heard this voice from right under my ass ask: ‘Are you making me a little brother?’”

Dong admitted to a momentary loss of bearing from this unexpected encounter. “Yeah, I flew off the seat, crashed right through the door. I’m a Marine so thanks to my intensive training I didn’t completely lose my discipline — I finished, of course — but man, it was real weird having those two beady little Reese’s Pieces eyes staring out at me from the porta potty as I cleaned my hand off with a clump of sand.”

Battalion surgeon Lt. Richard Johnson was quickly summoned to examine the creature that was slowly slithering from the toilet’s shadows into desert daylight.

“Wagner was quite friendly, mostly just smiling, oozing various fluids, and asking who his real father was,” noted Johnson. “Once I’d determined there was no immediate health and safety concern, I performed an exam on Wagner to try and figure out what made him tick. Honestly, what I found wasn’t very surprising — in fact, I’m more surprised that this kind of thing doesn’t happen all the time.”