WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s Public Affairs Office has unveiled a new aircraft to combat dumpster fires today, according to its own press release.
Dana White, the Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs, personally demonstrated the Canadair CL-215 “Scooper” by flying over a roll-off, open-topped Dixie dumpster in a Pentagon parking lot, and releasing one thousand gallons of water in a single pass that extinguished all potential public relations infernos at once.
The bin, which was filled to the brim with substantiated reports of financial misconduct, validated sex scandals, and a current Space Force investigation, was left a water-logged mess that no investigator or journalist would touch, according to sources.
“That was easy,” joked White while back on the ground, pushing an annoying red button that repeated, “That was easy.” She added, “No other part of the federal government has this kind of firefighting capability.”
A twin-engine, high-wing aircraft, the Scooper is designed to react at low speed and in dangerous dumpster environments, such as those found over wrecked Navy ships in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and on U.S. Space Force bases across the solar system.
Public Affairs reportedly acquired the aircraft from Turkey in a sweetheart deal that will send scores of F-35 fighter aircraft to America’s favorite NATO ally next week, so long as Turkey promises not to detain and execute all the U.S. Air Force officers currently stationed at Incirlik Air Base.
Sources say White will soon head to Syria and then back to Central Command headquarters in Tampa with the aircraft, before its diverted toward the website Task & Purpose, which recently reported a green-on-blue attack on a U.S. Marine in Syria.
"We are always ready to fight under our motto, facta es fictus," White said, from behind the aircraft controls.
At press time, White was continuing to refuse pleas from the California Air National Guard to contribute the Scooper to help fight its wildfires. “Our information special forces don’t have time for that,” she said.