WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has given the green light to a new plan aimed at ridding the military of all joy, sources confirmed today. The decision comes following extensive research that showed sad people weighed .23 ounces less than happy individuals, with fuel savings from lighter soldiers estimated to save $327 over the next five years.

Gilbert Cisneros, the Under Secretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness, told reporters that the plan will "make our force more lethal — to both ourselves and the enemy."

Under the Pentagon’s new plan, a superteam of miserable bitches named Task Force Leukemia will carry out the joy-killing initiative. The team includes the ghost of Ken Starr — the massive cock block from the 1990s — along with the doctor who says you're HIV positive. It will also include an E-8 whose wife was caught cheating on him with a man with a very small penis (which is worse since you can’t even act like it was for sexual pleasure. She just liked that guy, micropenis included), the 18th Amendment, and Senator Gary Peters.