KABUL – US Gen. Scott Miller, Commander of the international coalition in Afghanistan, expressed confusion in the wake of the latest bombing in Farah province, which destroyed a bus and killed 32 civilians, including children.
“Our intelligence has been trying to determine why the Taliban have continued to inflict violence upon innocent civilians despite not having access to video games, which, as we all know is the leading cause of violent behavior,” Miller told reporters.
Miller continued, “I know that, on the surface, it might seem like a failure when the Army Corps of Engineers grossly mismanaged a $60 million program designed to bring electricity to Afghan towns,” said Miller, pointing to a 2018 report from the Special Inspector General for Afghan Reconstruction. “But actually, it was part of our brilliant counterinsurgency program. By tackling the root cause of violence in Afghanistan—you can't play video games without electricity—we hoped to completely quell violence in the region. But unfortunately, they’ve been blowing up civilians faster than you can say Red Dead Redemption 2.”
Afghan citizens in the Taliban-dominated district of Dishu, Helmand province, are confused by the U.S. effort. A fighter who gave his only as “Omar,” said “I have never used a computer and have no access to the Internet, so there’s no way I could play Mortal Kombat 11. I spend most of my day upset I’m still a virgin at the age of 26.”
“What’s up with these fucking Staceys?” asked Omar, who then digressed into a 30-minute diatriabe about how all women in Afghanistan needed to be systematically raped and doused with acid and that any women who protest should be spat on and stoned.
Omar also spoke about the relative ease with which the Taliban could obtain military-grade weaponry to carry out attacks nationwide.
“Every man has at least three different assault rifles and they can take them wherever they go—the market, to the chai place. Sort of like your ‘everyday’ carry. It’s so simple to get your hands on them, too.”
Miller says he is confident that the longer US soldiers keep average Afghans away from the trappings of modern, violent society, the faster those Afghans will capitulate. Omar is not so sure.
Omar pointed to the pilfered Toyota Hilux with a DsHK machine gun mounted on it.
“Molon Labe! Come and take it, motherfuckers!”