VA to offer free cup of coffee while you wait in line to die
By Bad Lawyer
WASHINGTON — In the long-standing tradition of generosity at the holidays and limitless support for the troops, the United States Department of Veterans Affairs has announced a new program that will offer a free cup of coffee to each service member while they wait in line to die.
“We were inspired by recent Veteran’s Day promotions run by chain restaurants like Applebee’s offering service members free meals,” said the Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs Denis McDonough. “When we saw the remarkable amounts of goodwill generated while making double amputees wait in long lines for a free appetizer, a lightbulb went off.”
Officials estimate the program will cost the VA between .05 to .35 cents per service member depending on how many visits to a VA hospital or clinic it takes for them to die.
“Yes, we are minimizing costs by limiting the program to one cup of coffee per visit, but we recognize it may take several visits with multiple levels of care mismanagement until the veteran passes away,” said Deputy Secretary of Veterans Affairs Donald M. Remy.
But Remy confirmed it was not all bad news for the VA’s bottom line.
“Since coffee is comforting, we plan to roll the cost of the program into the palliative care budget and lay off several thousand hospice workers,” said Remy. “This program may ultimately save the VA millions of dollars while ensuring the dignity of the men and women dying in our hallways and parking lots.”
Initial reviews of the program have been mixed.
“Sure, I got a crappy cup of coffee when the doctor told me my stage IV Small Cell Carcinoma wasn’t service-connected,” said Sgt. Bill Evans, a thirty-year-old Marine Corps veteran who assisted in the Fukushima disaster clean-up in 2011.
“But when I asked for cream and sugar I was told I’d need to submit a written request and would likely receive a denial in 48-72 months. Doc says I got four months to live at best.”