THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that it is now fully prepared to prioritize every combatant command, a decision coming after years of intense debate, strategic recalibration, pizza parties, and several high-stakes games of rock-paper-scissors in the Pentagon’s War Room.
“We are fully committed to ensuring that EUCOM, INDOPACOM, AFRICOM, CENTCOM, SOUTHCOM, and NORTHCOM all receive our undivided attention,” said Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth in a press conference. “This marks a new era of strategic ambiguity, where no one knows exactly which command is the priority because they all are and that’s how we like it.”
When asked how the U.S. military planned to achieve such balanced prioritization, Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell said, “We’ve developed a highly sophisticated algorithm that ensures a steady constant shifting distribution of resources, support, integrating buzzwords like ‘readiness’ and ‘force multiplier’ across all commands. Basically, it’s like spreading peanut butter—smooth, even, and slightly nutty.”
Here is how that distribution of resources will play out:
EUCOM: U.S. European Command, responsible for military operations across Europe, will continue to receive support for deterring Russian aggression, attending NATO cocktail parties, and ensuring that European allies never run out of MREs featuring fine American cuisine like chili mac and spaghetti with meat sauce.
INDOPACOM: U.S. Indo-Pacific Command will be bolstered to maintain freedom of navigation in the South China Sea, defend against North Korean threats, and ensure that every Pacific island has access to the latest season of “Survivor.”
AFRICOM: U.S. Africa Command will see increased resources for combating terrorism, building partnerships with African nations, and making sure that the military’s “Lion King” DVD collection is complete and up to date.