QUANTICO, VA— With the refrain, “From our board rooms to the sea, Force Design makes us seethe!” echoing across the Potomac, Marine Corps University (MCU) joined the ranks of institutions of higher learning occupied by raucous protestors. But while Columbia University activists chant in solidarity with puckish hostage-taking and mild rape, MCU’s dissidents are raising their voices against the institution they once led.
“Force Design has wrecked the Marine Corps and we’ve said so for years!” shouted retired Gen. Charles Krulak from a drum circle. “But no one reads our blog, so we mustered our supporters and came here where we can’t be ignored!” Krulak claimed his fellow protestors numbered almost one hundred, though quietly admitted all but six were actually limo drivers and security details.
The “we” Gen. Krulak referred to is the Chowder II Society, a group of retired Marine Corps generals who really hate Force Design 2030 and the fact that Marines don’t know who they are anymore. Lt. Gen. Paul K. Van Riper—who, though a 3-star, was brought into Chowder to meet their diversity, equity, and inclusion requirements—summed up the group’s efforts to solve both problems.
“Retirement’s hard. You can only drink so many free Diet Cokes in the executive waiting area before you’re just going to the bathroom every ten seconds and wondering what it was all for. So we came here to apply a little old-fashioned fieldcraft in erecting this Special Purpose Autonomous Zone to make our voices heard. The SPAZ has all kinds of activities—look, James Amos is starting the tour of the human dung pile we built to fertilize our victory garden and finger-paint op-ed drafts on our shelter-half walls.”
