BUCHA, Ukraine — Following Vice President JD Vance’s aggressive criticism of Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Satan has expressed his first public doubts about the agreement that brought Vance to President Trump’s side.
Reached for comment while “decompressing” in a partially burned farmhouse in Bucha, the Dark Lord emphasized that while he was excited for Putin’s rapacious assault on the country to continue, Vance’s actions made him wonder if the vice president was ever the principled Marine, hard-scrabble Appalachian survivor and faithful Christian he’d believed in.
“There’s a reason I play golf with Trump and Putin. Sure, they’ll be mine eventually, but they’re good hangs, and I’m in no hurry to get my hands on their shriveled-up little Voldemort souls,” said Satan. “You can’t really corrupt what’s corrupted.” Lucifer went on to say that to truly make the angels weep, he ached to feed off the succulent desecration of a decent man’s eternal soul.
Asked for clarification, the Deceiver explained, “You want to whisper in the ear of the resentful lover, the unacknowledged artist, even the over-thinking GM of the major sports team. Let their hubris, jealousy, and desire unravel their very humanity. Hell 101.”
