WASHINGTON — With public concern mounting over economic disruption and an unclear path to success, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced yesterday that the US had “turned a corner” in its campaign against the Iranian regime.
“We’re confident our recent initiatives will stabilize oil prices, ignite a pro-American popular uprising and — aw fuck, is that Baghdad?” said Hegseth, as aides frantically shuffled and rotated maps behind the briefing podium.
Pentagon officials later clarified that while the operation had indeed “turned a corner,” it remained unclear how many corners had been turned or in which direction, though all were confirmed to be “generally forward.”
At a White House pardon auction, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt emphasized the administration’s ongoing faith in Operation Epic Fury, but advised that “it's best not to take Pete too seriously after around three, or noon on Fridays.” She emphasized the administration remained confident in the mission.
“We are definitely not in Iraq,” Leavitt said.
“This is definitely Iraq,” said Sgt. 1st Class Gino Schneck in a video call from a deployed location, looking warily around a dusty road with a platoon from the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m 90% sure that halal butcher over there used to be a Green Beans.”
Best served warm from a dusty pallet.
Meanwhile, an Instagram account believed to be run by Iran’s Revolutionary Guard posted an image of a screaming Michael Scott with the caption, “POV: u find urslf in Iraq.”
