THE PENTAGON — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is attempting to bring President Dwight D. Eisenhower back to life, sources familiar with the top secret plans say.
“Let’s be honest,” said Dr. Frank Stein, the head of DARPA’s reanimation directorate. “We haven’t had a decent President since Eisenhower. After Ike, it’s either been them all getting us into endless wars or dipping their quills in every goddamn inkwell they can find.”
According to sources, the DOD has spent the past six months polling the military, and the overwhelming consensus of the troops is that the idea of either current major party candidate being the next Commander in Chief makes most in uniform “want to suck-start a shotgun.”
The thought of the next Commander in Chief either being a probable felon who couldn’t protect national secrets if her life depended on it, or a blustering buffoon who “knows more about war than the generals” is just not that appealing, according to Stein, especially to the men and women who “will unfortunately have to execute whatever ill-conceived, cockamamie, fucking war that one of those two will inevitably get them into.”
It was reported that Eisenhower was chosen over all preceding presidents due to his overwhelming popularity, the relative peace and prosperity experienced during his tenure, and his unimpeachable character. However, sources close to the project indicate that Eisenhower’s prescient words upon leaving office, “beware the military-industrial complex,” have many inside the Pentagon concerned.
“That dead bastard Eisenhower will totally screw the sweet deal I have going with Lockheed, Boeing, and General Dynamics,” Frank Kendall, undersecretary of defense for acquisition, technology and logistics, told reporters. “I have to put the kibosh on this.”
In response to DARPA’s announcement, the Clinton campaign released the following statement:
“If our troops are looking for leadership from among the walking dead, they needn’t look any further. Secretary Clinton sold her soul to the devil decades ago.”
Not to be outdone, Donald Trump tweeted, “Eisenhower was a hack. I like leaders who don’t die, ok?”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.