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DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Army Heraldry Meanings

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You may be a proud infantryman, logistician, or medic, and wear your branch insignia with pride.  But do you know the historical lineage of where those insignia come from, and what they symbolize?  Join Duffel Blog‘s own Dick Scuttlebutt, our Heraldry Correspondent, as we take you inside the United States Army’s Branch Insignia.

Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s Heraldry Correspondent and has degrees in Heraldry, Husbandry, and Phrenology from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores!

Acquisition: The constipated hawk is looking to the left, signifying his commie hippie leanings. The ribbons wrapped around the Poison Sumac branches represent the hair ribbons worn by the extremely high-end underage prostitutes sent to Acquisition Corps personnel by various defense industry lobbyists. And the letters Q and A superimposed behind the hawk’s head stand for QUEER ANARCHISTS.

Adjutant General: Consistently voted “Most Boring” by the Army Institute of Heraldry at its annual dining-in, the Adjutant General shield is more complicated than it seems at first glance. Its 13 white stars on a field of blue represent the fabled “Lost 13,” the highest-rated awards and promotions ever lost or misplaced by an S1. These include Medals of Honor which went un-awarded and the fifth star which should have been awarded to James Mattis before he got fired for cock-punching Joe Biden. The blue represent the sorrowful tears of NCOs trying to sign out on leave only to find the admin shop has lost their DA 31. The white stripes represent the reams of paper wasted daily by admin clerks printing out duplicate forms, and the red stripes represent the blood shed from paper cuts.

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Air Defense Artillery: The crossed cannon represent the field which all Air Defenders wish they had assessed into, namely Artillery. Over the cannon is the hallowed “Finned Dildo,” or as Air Defenders privately refer to it, the “Homewrecker,” which reminds all Air Defenders that they will spend their entire career being sodomized like a particularly sexy fish. Like a Moorish Idol for instance. Mmmm, I could fuck a Moorish Idol all day long.

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Armor: Crossed swords in the background signify the silverware which Armor soldiers use to consume their vast amounts of fatty foods, leading to many of them being nicknamed “Tankles.” Over the swords is a machine which many modern soldiers may not recognize. Thousands of years ago, Armor soldiers rode, slept, ate and even shat without ever leaving a smelly, loud, blind steel deathtrap called a “tank.” Archaeologists studying the remains of these “tanks” left behind by long-dead civilizations (cultures with odd names such as the “First Armoired Displeasion” and the “Seventh Arm-whored Calberry Rashomon”) believe the machines were both domicile and clan deity to their particular inhabitants. Fascinating.

Aviation: A tampon nailed to a pair of yellow wings. The wings represent the aviators’ willingness to flee at first sign that somebody will ask them to perform PT. The yellow represents the pee soaking their flight suits. The feathers are those of the rare and perhaps extinct (no live specimen has been sited since 2005 in Senegal) bird named Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus, or in lay terms, the Bloody Shart Peacock. The tampon stands for the womanly whining that emanates constantly from the mouths of aviators. The tampon is unused, which reminds the observer that no aviator has yet achieved puberty.

Army Band: A gold coin, which is the price the band members earned for their immortal souls. Embossed on the coin is something called a lyre, which is an instrument you play by striking it with a hammer. Kind of like everybody wants to do to band members.

Cavalry: Two crossed sabers, in scabbard, cutting edge up. There are two sabers to reflect the dual Core Competencies of cavalrymen: 1) Unshavenness and 2) General Insolence. The sabers are crossed to represent the closedmindedness of cavalry officers, as they insist the answer to every problem, to include economic malaise and rickets, is vigorous application of cavalry. The cutting edges face upward so that cavalry officers can more easily fall on their swords. And the swords remain in their scabbards—impotent—to remind cavalrymen that every single one of their children was sired by another man.

Chemical Corps: Two wriggling spermatozoa crossed over a field of blue, over which is superimposed a blue hexagon. The blue field represents the color that chemical soldiers turn after being exposed to live agent while attempting to perform their stated duties, when they should have just stayed up range and set up the hotline to receive the leak-sealed and packaged ordnance item from the EOD Tech, and then scrubbed his balls for him at the decon station. The hexagon represents the unholy agreement Chemical Corps has made with Moltar, god of atrocity, in order to improbably remain an active branch with its own proponency. The sperms represent the untold, uncountable number of hot loads shot into, and onto, chemical soldiers both in theaters of war and in garrison, as they perform the one duty at which they excel.

Civil Affairs: A globe over which hover an upright torch, a rolled-up Vanity Fair article, and a child’s toy sword. The globe represents the Earth, which is a planet in our solar system. The Vanity Fair article represents the excellent service Civil Affairs provides to the service, such as the article leading to the resignation of Stanley McChrystal. Some old-time CA officers will insist that the rolled piece of paper is actually a letter of recommendation. The toy sword represents the fact that CA insists, adorably, that they are part of SOF. The torch recollects the burning sensation you get in your anus after dealing with CA for long enough.

Electronic Warfare: One of the newest insignia, the EW branch is represented by a bright yellow shield with a black midsection, inside which is a lightning bolt and a key. The shield stands for the protection that will be afforded to soldiers by EW when, at some point in the distant future, their equipment actually functions as promised. The lightning bolt stands for the invisible death rays which permanently render utterly sterile the unlucky soldiers who are forced to ride in the back, right next to the DUKE. The key reminds observers that the NSA is always browsing your phone and email account, looking for terroristic keywords, OPSEC violations, or pictures of ur bewbs.

Engineer: A golden castle. Simple and unimaginative, just like your typical Engineer officer. Only two types of people live in castles. Naïve helpless virgins who constantly need to be rescued; and mean old ugly witches. Again, just like typical Engineer officers. The castle’s crenellations are uneven, which represents the haircuts and teeth of Engineers. The castle’s door is wide open, just like the hopeful buttholes of eager Engineer soldiers. The castle is constructed of Lego blocks, which represents the fact that just like Lego blocks, an Engineer is great when in the proper order but is the worst thing you want to encounter barefoot in the dark.

Artillery: Two crossed cannon. There are two cannon to represent the two “core values” espoused by the Artillery corps: utter deafness, and traumatic brain injury. The cannon are crossed to signify the crossed legs of wives as they refuse sex yet again, which causes the artilleryman’s legendary grumpiness. They are also crossed to remind artillery soldiers to “play swords” as they double up at the piss tubes. The cannon float unaccompanied by a chassis or wheels of any kind, which reminds the observer that the average artillery soldier is going nowhere.

Finance: A parallelogram-shaped fishing net, open and ready to catch fish. The four sides of the shape stand for the four things upon which soldiers will waste the most money: high-interest car loans, alcohol, ridiculous clothing, and loose women. The net represents the barriers hindering the successful electronic transfer of hazard pay, dislocation pay, bonuses and allowances. The net also represents what the IRS will throw over you while chasing you for tax fraud, because a computer at DFAS had a short and accidentally overpaid you by roughly six hundred thousand dollars. Also they will order their attack dogs to bite you right on the dick.

Infantry: A pair of crossed flintlock muskets. The outdated rifles represent the archaic and obsolete tactics still being taught at combat schools, such as airborne operations and barely-disguised Fulda Gap holdover scenarios. The rifles are not cocked, symbolizing the infantry’s long history of being unready to fight and having to rely on Marines or SF to open a theater of war. The rifles are crossed, which indicates the average infantry officer’s inability to conceive of a problem as anything other than a matter of motivation and screaming loudly enough; and their refusal to converse as equals with anybody who hasn’t been to the useless suffer-fest and fat camp known as Ranger School.

Inspector General: A garlanded wreath upon which is embossed DROIT ET AVANT, which is Latin for “Droid You Are Looking For.” The garland is a sprig of hemlock and a tail feather from the Blue Falcon, a bird which infests all Army installations, especially around Headquarters buildings. The wreath symbolizes the flowers laid at the grave of what used to be your reputation. Behind the wreath, crossed, are an unsheathed sword and a long-handled axe. These are the weapons used by executioners as they put your career out of its pathetic misery. The axe is wrapped in a bundle of sticks, called a “fascisti” in Italian, which reminds the observer that IGs are a bunch of fascists.

Judge Advocate General: A pen crossed over a sword, to remind one and all that the pen is the mightier of the two, having ended the careers of many more fine officers in the last twenty years than weapons of the enemy. Behind the crossed pen and sword is a wreath of the extremely poisonous “white snakeroot” plant, bound with a sprig of hair cut from a forsaken orphan child who was dying of dropsy. The pen is a quill pen, which has been made from a vulture’s feather. This symbolizes the carrion-bird nature of your average Army lawyer.

Logistics Corps: A golden ship’s wheel to represent buggery. Inscribed on the wheel are the words SUSTINENDUM VICTORIUM, which is Latin for “Drawing Sustinence From Our Victims,” a motto which harkens back to the branch’s Vampiric origins. Behind the wheel, crossed, are a cannon and a key. Together, the wheel, cannon and key represent the three sub-branches of Logistics. The cannon represents Napoleon, a tiny one-testicled French artilleryman who built a world-spanning empire out of penis envy, and would ask his wife to stop bathing when he came back from war because he liked his women smelly. So clearly the cannon represents the Ordnance Corps. The key represents Quartermaster Corps because of their tendency to hoard and stash any and all unsecured supply items they come across, in order to barter and trade them away for favors at a later date. The wheel represents Transportation Corps, because transporters are round, and if not properly directed by a grown-up, will cause the entire ship to capsize. For some reason each sub-branch still has its own separate insignia.

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Medical Corps: One of the few branches which openly celebrates its death-cult past, the insignia for Medical Corps and all its sub-branches (Dental Corps, Veterinary Corps, etcetera) is the caduceus. A caduceus is a tall Staff of Ra with outstretched wings, wrapped with two snakes hissing at each other. The Staff of Ra represents the unholy alliance the branch has struck with various demons, evil spirits, Dark Old Ones, djinn, naga, and golems. The staff is also often borne by an Insect Shaman, and as every thaumaturgist knows, insect shamans are just, like, the worst. The wings represent a patient’s soul exiting its body and flying off to the great police call in the sky, as he finally succumbs to his various illnesses which have been wildly misdiagnosed by the befuddled doctor. The two snakes wound around the staff represent the two fleeting, ever-elusive goals of the Medical Corps: competence and timeliness. The fact that they hiss at one another signifies the vicious brutality which the medical administrative system will visit upon the soldier and his dependents. Some whisper that the snakes are actually joined at the tail and that it is actually one snake with two heads. Those insane psychopaths are immediately fast-tracked to become Surgeon General of the Army.

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Military Intelligence: This insignia is a five-pointed gold heraldic rose imposed over a four-pointed gold sun, further imposed over a gold sword. The rose represents the flowers which all intel analysts send to the grieving families of soldiers killed because they were using bad intel. The sun signifies the blinding light of knowledge, and also the sunburn-esque rash you got on your donger after messing around with that E5 from the MI company over in the BSTB that one time. She was such a whore. The sword stands for melee weaponry in World of Warcraft, which every MI soldier is required to play incessantly or he/she will never rise above junior enlisted rank.

Military Police: Crossed flintlock dueling pistols. These pistols are actually historically accurate, as they are a direct representation of the pistols wielded by MPs at the Battle Of San Luis Obispo, which took place when MPs attempted to roust a platoon of infantrymen who were just trying to enjoy their one god dam day of liberty by taking in an exotic dance recital. As the story goes, the infantrymen were none too enthusiastic about abandoning their nipple-viewing activities, and so they resisted physically, which forced the MPs to resort to more extreme methods. One thing led to another, and soon the whole area was bathed in napalm, packs of rabid cannibals roamed a debris-strewn wasteland, and Richard Nixon had to personally parachute in and use his superpowers to–well, you know the rest.

Ordnance Corps: A golden flaming bomb. The bomb reminds us that everything Ordnance Corps touches blows up in their face. The flames remind us that anybody who loudly declares that he is proud to be in the Ordnance Corps is a flamer. The bomb is lacking a fuse, which means the bomb is ready to detonate—symbolizing every Ordnance soldier’s lifelong problem with Premature Ejaculation. Please give.

Explosive Ordnance Disposal: A point-down bomb, behind which are lightning bolts, all of which are imposed over a shield from which are outstretched, feathered wings. The bomb indicates the severe damage which all EOD Techs will do to any working toilet. The lightning bolts symbolize the digital network which any bomb tech will use to download bootleg movies and squirter porn. The shield represents the tendency of any bomb tech to use the “fuck you, that’s not my job” excuse in any and all situations, including when they’ve been directly ordered to do something by a three-star general who is now commandant at West Point. The wings are there just because.

Psychological Operations: A golden horse head, behind which are a pair of crossed daggers which have turned into lightning at the tips. The horse head is a direct visual metaphor for the famous scene from The Godfather where the Don leaves the horse head in the bed of the movie producer. This symbolizes the way Psy Ops will mindfuck you—indeed, in their doctrinal corps competencies, the first one listed is “Mindfuck.” The two daggers represent the two Principles of Psychological Operations, which are brashness and unapologeticality. The daggers turning into lightning at the tip signifies Psy Ops capitalizing on the new frontier of social media, where they will post photoshopped pictures of you being taken to pound town by your own father in order to discredit you.

Quartermaster Corps: An eagle perched on top of a wheel, with a key and a sword crossed behind them. This insignia, voted “Most Frenetic” by the Army Institute of Heraldry at its annual dining-in, is difficult to decipher. The wheel represents the GOV van that supply sergeants use to go “to the SSA” to “pick up parts,” when in fact they stop at the shoppette for two hours to read every page of the latest low-rider magazines (“They got the chicks with the boobs on there.”) and try to flirt with the bored sixteen-year-old girl who works at Charley’s Subs. The thirteen stars represent the unluckiest number, 13, which symbolizes the curse of every company commander who’s ever had to deal with a shitty, sneaky, backbiting supply sergeant. The eagle stands for the dirty, rotten, borderline-felonious scavenging nature of supply sergeants the Army over. Yeah, eagles are carrion birds. You didn’t know that?

USA_-_Quartermaster_Corps_Branch_Insignia

Signal Corps: A pair of crossed semaphore flags, one white with a red center, and one red with a white center. These are crossed behind a flaming gold torch. The red-on-white flag, at left, symbolizes the blood of Signal Officers spilled when the battalion commander finally got tired of their excuses and just shot them in their fat fucking faces. The white-on-red flag, at right, symbolizes the purity of the signal, surrounded by the filth of all that which is not digital. The flaming torch would stand for the illumination of the human mind via communication if any commo network ever worked satisfactorily; instead, it stands for the numeral “1,” which represents the single solitary competent, reliable SigO in the entire army. He’s currently in Small Group 26F at the CGSC at Fort Leavenworth, and no, you can’t have him for your unit.

Special Forces: Officially a pair of crossed “arrows,” in reality they are far too short to be arrows, and are actually crossbow bolts. Considering that the crossbow for much of the Middle Ages was a tool for bandits and assassins (indeed, crossbows were banned for “all civillised [sic] men wheresoever they maye be found” by the Vatican for much of the 15th through 19th centuries), the crossed bolts symbolize the deceitful-yet-vicious nature of the typical SF officer. The heads of the bolts are broad, signifying the wildly non-doctrinal range of missions that SF will claim is rightfully theirs in lean times. The heads are also sharp, signifying the unpleasant knowledge in the back of every combatant commander’s mind that if an SF commander in their COCOM feels slighted, the butthurt party will just run to his patron Senator and pretty soon that general will be getting an angry phone call from some idiot who happens to be on the Armed Services Committee. The fletching on the arrows is fourteen, each, feathers, which symbolize the fourteen “key avenues of execution” for Special Forces: beards; ballcaps; hands in pockets; first-name basis; flip-flops; fucking all the females on the FOB; steroids; larceny; blatant disregard for no-alcohol policies; hiking boots instead of issue uniform boots while in uniform; long, flowing hair; more beards; skateboard helmets instead of MICHs; and mandatory wear of the green beret even when it would be much more convenient to wear a PC like a normal human being.

USA_-_Special_Forces_Branch_Insignia

Transportation Corps: Often called the “flying torch wheel” by that one instructor I had years ago, this is a ship’s wheel, over which is a shield, over which is a Detroit Redwings logo. The ship’s wheel symbolizes rum, sodomy, and the lash. The four spokes of the wheel symbolize the touchstones of transportation doctrine: lateness; incompleteness; disrespect; and unwarranted pride. The shield represents the vigorous defense which any Transporter will present should anybody point out that his branch is basically a bunch of glorified truckers. The Detroit Redwings logo is a reference to hockey, which, like the Transportation Corps, is something which should have been phased out long ago to make room for something that Americans give a shit about.

Chaplain: There are multiple insignia for the Chaplain Corps, depending on which faith the particular clergymen practice. However, it is incumbent upon us to note that there do not exist insigniae for the “miscellaneous” religions, such as Tribalistic Animism, Shintoism, Aum Shinkriko, EKENCAR, rootwork, Santeria, voodoo, “climate change,” or Mormons. This is clearly a huge infringement upon the rights of the minorities, and DB insists that this inequality is remedied at once.

Tune in next time as Duffel Blog explains the heraldric origins of all the Army’s divisional patches!

Army

Trump declares fire stories ‘fake news’ after 82nd Airborne descends onto University of Notre Dame

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NOTRE DAME, Ind. — Students at the University of Notre Dame witnessed a spectacular display today as they looked up into the sky —thousands of paratroopers rained over the campus before securing the area for none other than the commander-in-chief, sources confirmed.

“Most of us just stopped in our tracks and stared,” said one student. “Were we being invaded? I dunno, the whole thing was surreal. Some people were freaking out.”

President Donald Trump ordered soldiers from the 82nd Airborne Division, a unit celebrated for its role in Normandy during World War II, to save the university after news stories of a blazing fire began to surface.

“I’m well aware of the difference between Notre Dame and the University of Notre Dame,” said Maj. Gen. James Mingus, 82nd Airborne Division commander. According to sources, Mingus and several other advisers attempted to articulate the difference between the burning iconic cathedral in France, and the university in America that still thinks it has relevance in football.

“Look, President Trump made it very clear that we were going to be jumping into one of the Notre Dames,” Mingus added. “Frankly, this option was better than the alternative.”

Shortly after troops gained control of the university, Trump arrived on Marine One to personally assess the situation. Fearing another 9/11-style attack was underway, Trump expressed shock after analysts reported there was no evidence of any fire prior to their arrival, according to sources.

“There are no fires at University of Notre Dame. Fake news strikes again! #NoFireNoCollusion,” Trump tweeted.

American forces have confirmed six Army ROTC cadets killed in action. They were mistaken for terrorists due to their inside-out uniform blouses, backwards hats, and rubber rifles — likely role playing as insurgents for cadet training before the real soldiers arrived, sources say.

University officials weren’t available for comment due to the massive influx of students seeking PTSD counseling.

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Army targets horny teens with Pornhub recruiting ads

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FORT KNOX, Ky. — The Army has shifted strategy and is now focusing advertisements on the website Pornhub after missing their 2018 fiscal year recruiting goal by 6,500 recruits, sources confirmed today.

The ads, which promise “hot singles in your area,” ask potential recruits for identifying information before scheduling them for an appointment with a recruiter.

“We haven’t been talking to prospective recruits in a language they understand or in places they spend their time” said Col. Mike Riggins, head of US Army Recruiting Strategy. “Then, one day at work, I accidentally clicked on a link advertising local MILFs and accidentally input my personal data, credit card information and emailed the site several images of my junk. I realized that if I could unintentionally set up a robust profile during work hours on a government laptop, recruits could do the same at home.”

It’s a new and innovative way of addressing the problem and one that is paying big dividends. Since making the change, the Army has already exceeded its full year quota of recruiter appointments for 2019 and 2020. Also, unprompted, hundreds of applicants are sending in nudes, which recruiters are able to forward to MEPS as part of medical pre-screening.

As a result, the Army has begun officially referring to all recruiters as “hot singles” and has relabeled Army recruiting stations as either “Cougar Dens” or “Bone Zones.”

When asked if he’s received complaints from married recruiters over being classified as “singles,” Lt. Col. Jesse Gabriel of the newly re-flagged Chicago “Hammer-Dong” Battalion said, “No, honestly now that you mention it, it hasn’t really come up.”

The program is not without its downsides, however. Several tens of thousands of recruiters are currently under investigation for illegal acts related to the program.

“We have way too many recruiters who are allegedly screwing applicants,” said Gabriel. “And not screwing them in the traditional ‘enlist them as a fueler with no bonus and tell them they can probably get Airborne when they get to their unit’ sense. I’m talking about screwing them in the equally traditional ‘creep on applicants and try to have sex with them’ sense.”

The program is likely to continue in spite of issues and even expand as the Army has announced a partner program for the active force.

“It’s basically the Tinder app specifically for Soldiers except swiping right in our program connects the Soldier with a branch manager or retention NCO in the area who is definitely looking to f-them,” said Riggins.

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Command and General Staff College ranked among nation’s top 500 community colleges

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FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – Faculty and staff at the U.S. Army Command and General Staff College, known as CGSC, are celebrating the school’s debut appearance on the U.S. News and World Report list of the nation’s top 500 community colleges, sources confirmed today.

“I couldn’t be prouder of our professors, students, and alumni,” said Army Combined Arms Center Commander Lt. Gen. Michael Lundy. “We almost beat Webster University, and we tied with the University of Phoenix Junior College. Even better, none of the other service staff colleges made the list!”

Lundy directed his staff to apply for regional accreditation last year as part of the Army’s broader effort to translate military skills into civilian credentials. After receiving a community college charter, the school began offering associate degrees in operational planning, business micromanagement, and reimagining historic military treatises.

Alumni have long considered CGSC the “Harvard of mandatory professional military education” due to its selective acceptance, rigorous curriculum, and near 100% graduation rate.

The school’s curriculum is designed to prepare senior captains and junior majors to become operational level staff officers by teaching them to skim or ignore volumes of doctrine, overanalyze simple problems, and brief senior officers while nursing crippling hangovers.

To many students, it is no surprise the institution was rated the 492nd best community college in the U.S.

“Yup, sounds about right,” said Maj. Joe Muto, a former Rhodes Scholar and current CGSC student. “I’m often stunned by the level of intellect and depth of my peers and instructors. Honestly though, I couldn’t think of a better way to train a few top performers on how to lead an inept staff through military planning for a pointless operation. It would be brilliant if I actually believed they planned it that way.”

At press time, sources heard Lundy calling the other service staff college leaders to console them and wish them better luck in 2020.

Duffel Blog reporters W.T. Door and Lieutenant Dan contributed to this article.

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Air Force

Fans excited for final season of Afghanistan

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Fans of Afghanistan, already America’s longest running drama, are excited for the premier of the final season of the conflict, whenever that may be.

A media darling at launch, Afghanistan has suffered from low viewership since the first season but remains a powerhouse moneymaker with an annual budget of almost $45 billion. Producers initially promised large, exciting battles and decisive story lines but thus far have had issues delivering consistently. Fans of the show place the blame for many of those issues on producers insisting the show split air time with spinoff drama Iraq.

Despite the small TV audience tuning in, a large number of Americans (about 14,000 at present) physically attend the conflict every year hoping to take part in events as they unfold.

However, many of these participants express discontent over the direction the show has taken and feel the program has been dragging for the last decade or so.

“I was skeptical at first because there had been a Russian drama about Afghanistan, but in the first few seasons, this felt very different. And when they surprised everyone by killing off Bin Laden in season 10, that was amazing,” said Capt Mike Watt, currently deployed to Sharana. “But l feel like lately it’s been the same story line every season. Just lazy writing all around.”

A quick audit of recent years supports Watt’s argument. Plot devices like COIN, blue on green insider attacks, and meeting with local leaders that end up accomplishing nothing have become repetitive. Despite these issues, there remain a strikingly large number of subplots and unanswered questions. So many in fact, that writers and executive producers have expressed that they can’t imagine wrapping this up even if they have 10 plus more seasons.

Regardless, fans remain excited for the final season whenever that may be. An online poll among attendees on who will end up on top received hundreds of thousands of votes and came back with a landslide victory for write in candidate “I don’t give a fuuuuuuck.”

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Army leaders channel wrong Clausewitz in Pentagon seance

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WASHINGTON — In a bizarre Pentagon ritual, Army leaders accidentally summoned the wrong spirit when attempting to channel famed Prussian military theorist Maj. Gen. Carl von Clausewitz to help them counter growing threats from China and Russia, sources confirmed today.

“Complex problems require creative ideas,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley. “It turns out we liquidated most of our out-of-the-box thinkers during the last NCO and officer retention boards, so we had to reach deep into our past military geniuses to come up with solutions.”

Recent Chinese threats in the South China Sea and Russian threats in Ukraine and the Baltics forced the hand of Army strategists to come up with unique ways to justify the Army’s growing budget. To counter these challenges, the Army gathered a panel of soothsayers, mystics, and government-funded think tanks to divine the way ahead for future ground combat. Army leadership ultimately chose to hold a seance to channel the long-dead Clausewitz, the father of modern Western military strategy, in an attempt to glean workable solutions.

Eyewitnesses claim the group of officers was successful in channeling a spirit, though not the one they intended. After asking the Ouija board how Clausewitz reconciled his principle of the culminating victory, the strategists were confused at his answer, “I reconcile culminating feels better.”

In an embarrassing turn of events, the group had been seeking advice from Pvt. Chadwick “Chad” Clausewitz, a Civil War deserter from the 56th Illinois Volunteer Infantry Regiment. Pvt. Clausewitz was executed in 1863 for abandoning his sentry post after he was caught masturbating to a tintype of a woman’s bare ankles.

“I knew something was wrong when the spirit told me to ‘talk it off,’” said Pentagon psychic Gwendolyn Mabry. “After we continued to pump it for answers, the spirit covered our group with a large amount of what appeared to be ectoplasm.”

Milley was last seen wiping his face and grumbling to a subordinate that they would probably have to consult the think tanks for a solution.

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Air Force

Service chiefs really tired of this Congressional committee’s crap

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The military’s service chiefs have been tired, but never tired like this. (Source: National Guard Bureau)

WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s service chiefs are massively weary of this stupid Congressional committee hearing, sources confirmed today.

Although the hearing on force readiness in the mid-term began moments ago, it has “nose-dived faster than Congressman Schiff’s reputation,” according to a military legislative affairs officer. 

“I put on a service dress uniform for this?” Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David L. Goldfein asked his peers, apparently unaware he was wearing a hot microphone.

The Committee chairwoman — no one knows her name because she did nothing notable before Democrats took control of the House —asked Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark A. Milley for his assessment of Navy readiness.

Milley appeared confused by a question on a separate service and paused before saying, “I would like to respond by stating that the readiness of Congress to hold this hearing is a complete shit-show, ma’am.”

Rep. Slay Z. Lewks (D – possibly Queens but she doesn’t know) followed with a freshwoman attempt at putting the hearing back on track by asking about mold in military housing. The chairwoman informed Lewks the topic was not related to force readiness.

“Then what about mold readiness in the mid-term?” Lewks asked.

Rep. Sea H. Ag (D – San Francisco) then interrupted Lewks to repeatedly stammer over the word “the.” She finally finished her question on the best place in D.C to meet sailors, which was met by the audible sighs of the testifying service chiefs.

Before Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson could wipe the stunned look off his face, Ag told him “I’m a cougar, John, in case you didn’t notice, John — rawwr.”

The chiefs then appeared to be studying their notes, but they were actually playing sudoku on sheets in their briefing books, except for Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller. 

“He doesn’t know how sudoku works,” says a Marine Corps public affairs office. Neller instead repeatedly snapped a can of Copenhagen under the desk while glaring at Lewks and anyone else who lewks at him for more than a second.

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Air Force

Space Force already restricted to Earth liberty

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MERRITT ISLAND, Fla. — Military commanders have barred potential Space Force members from engaging in any liberty activities outside of Earth’s atmosphere, sources confirmed today.

The decision came after several hours of deliberation between key military leaders at the Pentagon. Expert testimony on the issues included representatives from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Air Force Space Command, and Christopher Nolan, director of “Interstellar” who described outer space as “totally nuts, man.”

“There’s just too many variables right now,” said Gen. Timothy Grey, commanding general of the 1st Battalion, 504th Parachute Infantry Regiment. “Are liberty periods measured in the 4th dimension of spacetime? Are space suits issued gear? What happens if an alien entity lays eggs inside your libo buddy? I don’t even know where the settings in DEERS are for that.”

What was once thought to be just an idea in passing, the Space Force comes closer to reality with the February 19th issuance of the Space Policy Directive-4 that organizes the new unit as a sub component of the Air Force. What it fails to clarify however, are significant details concerning financial bureaucracy, the international consequences of militarizing outer space and whether or not there will be sexy coed showers for soldiers before and after defeating an alien species.

“It’s just important to preempt any liberty issues we may have before any incident arises,” Grey continued. “I know what kind of stuff goes on in space. Trust me. I’ve seen Avatar.”

Spc. Kyle Julliard, a satellite communications systems operator-maintainer with the Army Signal Corps, was disappointed to hear the news.

“I was really looking forward to marrying an alien stripper,” he said. “Where am I going to find a stripper now? Earth? The Marines already married them all!

Not every soldier was as pessimistic about their options. Pfc. Daniel Shaw, an imagery analyst with the 344th Military Intelligence Battalion, was reportedly seen working on a method of turning Mars water into toilet wine.

“They’ll have to lift the libo restrictions eventually,” he said. “And when they do, I’m going to get the first space DUI.”

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Army

Saruman the White selected to oversee implementation of Army-Palantir contract

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ISENGARD, Middle-earth — Shortly after revealing that Palantir would be implementing the new Army intelligence system, the service announced a partnership today with stalwart ally and pillar of the intelligence community, Saruman the White.

Head of Palantir’s defense business Doug Philppone praised the move.

“We were just thrilled for the opportunity to take the reins of the most massive intelligence gathering system outside of Barad-dûr and tapping Saruman to oversee the transition is just smart business,” Philppone said. “Truly a win-win-win for all the peoples of Middle-earth.”

Philippone, who is definitely not the first of many clones of a man named Doug Philipp, was initially surprised at Saruman’s familiarity with proprietary systems, but he has since come to expect nothing less from the leader of the white council.

“It’s true that Saruman has been recently branching out into other areas, such as munitions development and recruiting demi-human capital, but he has always been primarily focused on intelligence gathering,” Philippone added. “Truly, it was a wise decision to join with his power. I really couldn’t see it happening any other way.”

Saruman expressed thanks for the Army’s trust in him and vowed that he would help them usher in a new world.

“Who can stand against the might of the U.S. Army and Palantir? Surely not those horse-riding fools in Rohan,” Saruman said. “I hear they transmit all their comms in plain text.”

This is not the first time Saruman has assisted the Department of Defense as a sub-contractor, although previous instances were coordinated by long-time defense contractor Raytheon.

A spokesperson from Raytheon expressed disappointment at the decision to award the contract to Palantir, citing their previous successes in modernizing the Army entrail reading program and referencing their extensive history working with Saruman. Raytheon also wanted to assure its shareholders that this would have a minimal impact on profits and reminded them that Raytheon was still the contractor of choice for the armies of Gondor and the Silvan Elves of Mirkwood.

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