Connect with us

Army

DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Army Heraldry Meanings

Published

on

heraldry

You may be a proud infantryman, logistician, or medic, and wear your branch insignia with pride.  But do you know the historical lineage of where those insignia come from, and what they symbolize?  Join Duffel Blog‘s own Dick Scuttlebutt, our Heraldry Correspondent, as we take you inside the United States Army’s Branch Insignia.

Dick Scuttlebutt is Duffel Blog’s Heraldry Correspondent and has degrees in Heraldry, Husbandry, and Phrenology from East Dickhole State University. Go Manticores!

Acquisition: The constipated hawk is looking to the left, signifying his commie hippie leanings. The ribbons wrapped around the Poison Sumac branches represent the hair ribbons worn by the extremely high-end underage prostitutes sent to Acquisition Corps personnel by various defense industry lobbyists. And the letters Q and A superimposed behind the hawk’s head stand for QUEER ANARCHISTS.

Adjutant General: Consistently voted “Most Boring” by the Army Institute of Heraldry at its annual dining-in, the Adjutant General shield is more complicated than it seems at first glance. Its 13 white stars on a field of blue represent the fabled “Lost 13,” the highest-rated awards and promotions ever lost or misplaced by an S1. These include Medals of Honor which went un-awarded and the fifth star which should have been awarded to James Mattis before he got fired for cock-punching Joe Biden. The blue represent the sorrowful tears of NCOs trying to sign out on leave only to find the admin shop has lost their DA 31. The white stripes represent the reams of paper wasted daily by admin clerks printing out duplicate forms, and the red stripes represent the blood shed from paper cuts.

AG

Air Defense Artillery: The crossed cannon represent the field which all Air Defenders wish they had assessed into, namely Artillery. Over the cannon is the hallowed “Finned Dildo,” or as Air Defenders privately refer to it, the “Homewrecker,” which reminds all Air Defenders that they will spend their entire career being sodomized like a particularly sexy fish. Like a Moorish Idol for instance. Mmmm, I could fuck a Moorish Idol all day long.

ADA

Armor: Crossed swords in the background signify the silverware which Armor soldiers use to consume their vast amounts of fatty foods, leading to many of them being nicknamed “Tankles.” Over the swords is a machine which many modern soldiers may not recognize. Thousands of years ago, Armor soldiers rode, slept, ate and even shat without ever leaving a smelly, loud, blind steel deathtrap called a “tank.” Archaeologists studying the remains of these “tanks” left behind by long-dead civilizations (cultures with odd names such as the “First Armoired Displeasion” and the “Seventh Arm-whored Calberry Rashomon”) believe the machines were both domicile and clan deity to their particular inhabitants. Fascinating.

Aviation: A tampon nailed to a pair of yellow wings. The wings represent the aviators’ willingness to flee at first sign that somebody will ask them to perform PT. The yellow represents the pee soaking their flight suits. The feathers are those of the rare and perhaps extinct (no live specimen has been sited since 2005 in Senegal) bird named Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus, or in lay terms, the Bloody Shart Peacock. The tampon stands for the womanly whining that emanates constantly from the mouths of aviators. The tampon is unused, which reminds the observer that no aviator has yet achieved puberty.

Army Band: A gold coin, which is the price the band members earned for their immortal souls. Embossed on the coin is something called a lyre, which is an instrument you play by striking it with a hammer. Kind of like everybody wants to do to band members.

Cavalry: Two crossed sabers, in scabbard, cutting edge up. There are two sabers to reflect the dual Core Competencies of cavalrymen: 1) Unshavenness and 2) General Insolence. The sabers are crossed to represent the closedmindedness of cavalry officers, as they insist the answer to every problem, to include economic malaise and rickets, is vigorous application of cavalry. The cutting edges face upward so that cavalry officers can more easily fall on their swords. And the swords remain in their scabbards—impotent—to remind cavalrymen that every single one of their children was sired by another man.

Chemical Corps: Two wriggling spermatozoa crossed over a field of blue, over which is superimposed a blue hexagon. The blue field represents the color that chemical soldiers turn after being exposed to live agent while attempting to perform their stated duties, when they should have just stayed up range and set up the hotline to receive the leak-sealed and packaged ordnance item from the EOD Tech, and then scrubbed his balls for him at the decon station. The hexagon represents the unholy agreement Chemical Corps has made with Moltar, god of atrocity, in order to improbably remain an active branch with its own proponency. The sperms represent the untold, uncountable number of hot loads shot into, and onto, chemical soldiers both in theaters of war and in garrison, as they perform the one duty at which they excel.

Civil Affairs: A globe over which hover an upright torch, a rolled-up Vanity Fair article, and a child’s toy sword. The globe represents the Earth, which is a planet in our solar system. The Vanity Fair article represents the excellent service Civil Affairs provides to the service, such as the article leading to the resignation of Stanley McChrystal. Some old-time CA officers will insist that the rolled piece of paper is actually a letter of recommendation. The toy sword represents the fact that CA insists, adorably, that they are part of SOF. The torch recollects the burning sensation you get in your anus after dealing with CA for long enough.

Electronic Warfare: One of the newest insignia, the EW branch is represented by a bright yellow shield with a black midsection, inside which is a lightning bolt and a key. The shield stands for the protection that will be afforded to soldiers by EW when, at some point in the distant future, their equipment actually functions as promised. The lightning bolt stands for the invisible death rays which permanently render utterly sterile the unlucky soldiers who are forced to ride in the back, right next to the DUKE. The key reminds observers that the NSA is always browsing your phone and email account, looking for terroristic keywords, OPSEC violations, or pictures of ur bewbs.

Engineer: A golden castle. Simple and unimaginative, just like your typical Engineer officer. Only two types of people live in castles. Naïve helpless virgins who constantly need to be rescued; and mean old ugly witches. Again, just like typical Engineer officers. The castle’s crenellations are uneven, which represents the haircuts and teeth of Engineers. The castle’s door is wide open, just like the hopeful buttholes of eager Engineer soldiers. The castle is constructed of Lego blocks, which represents the fact that just like Lego blocks, an Engineer is great when in the proper order but is the worst thing you want to encounter barefoot in the dark.

Artillery: Two crossed cannon. There are two cannon to represent the two “core values” espoused by the Artillery corps: utter deafness, and traumatic brain injury. The cannon are crossed to signify the crossed legs of wives as they refuse sex yet again, which causes the artilleryman’s legendary grumpiness. They are also crossed to remind artillery soldiers to “play swords” as they double up at the piss tubes. The cannon float unaccompanied by a chassis or wheels of any kind, which reminds the observer that the average artillery soldier is going nowhere.

Finance: A parallelogram-shaped fishing net, open and ready to catch fish. The four sides of the shape stand for the four things upon which soldiers will waste the most money: high-interest car loans, alcohol, ridiculous clothing, and loose women. The net represents the barriers hindering the successful electronic transfer of hazard pay, dislocation pay, bonuses and allowances. The net also represents what the IRS will throw over you while chasing you for tax fraud, because a computer at DFAS had a short and accidentally overpaid you by roughly six hundred thousand dollars. Also they will order their attack dogs to bite you right on the dick.

Infantry: A pair of crossed flintlock muskets. The outdated rifles represent the archaic and obsolete tactics still being taught at combat schools, such as airborne operations and barely-disguised Fulda Gap holdover scenarios. The rifles are not cocked, symbolizing the infantry’s long history of being unready to fight and having to rely on Marines or SF to open a theater of war. The rifles are crossed, which indicates the average infantry officer’s inability to conceive of a problem as anything other than a matter of motivation and screaming loudly enough; and their refusal to converse as equals with anybody who hasn’t been to the useless suffer-fest and fat camp known as Ranger School.

Inspector General: A garlanded wreath upon which is embossed DROIT ET AVANT, which is Latin for “Droid You Are Looking For.” The garland is a sprig of hemlock and a tail feather from the Blue Falcon, a bird which infests all Army installations, especially around Headquarters buildings. The wreath symbolizes the flowers laid at the grave of what used to be your reputation. Behind the wreath, crossed, are an unsheathed sword and a long-handled axe. These are the weapons used by executioners as they put your career out of its pathetic misery. The axe is wrapped in a bundle of sticks, called a “fascisti” in Italian, which reminds the observer that IGs are a bunch of fascists.

Judge Advocate General: A pen crossed over a sword, to remind one and all that the pen is the mightier of the two, having ended the careers of many more fine officers in the last twenty years than weapons of the enemy. Behind the crossed pen and sword is a wreath of the extremely poisonous “white snakeroot” plant, bound with a sprig of hair cut from a forsaken orphan child who was dying of dropsy. The pen is a quill pen, which has been made from a vulture’s feather. This symbolizes the carrion-bird nature of your average Army lawyer.

Logistics Corps: A golden ship’s wheel to represent buggery. Inscribed on the wheel are the words SUSTINENDUM VICTORIUM, which is Latin for “Drawing Sustinence From Our Victims,” a motto which harkens back to the branch’s Vampiric origins. Behind the wheel, crossed, are a cannon and a key. Together, the wheel, cannon and key represent the three sub-branches of Logistics. The cannon represents Napoleon, a tiny one-testicled French artilleryman who built a world-spanning empire out of penis envy, and would ask his wife to stop bathing when he came back from war because he liked his women smelly. So clearly the cannon represents the Ordnance Corps. The key represents Quartermaster Corps because of their tendency to hoard and stash any and all unsecured supply items they come across, in order to barter and trade them away for favors at a later date. The wheel represents Transportation Corps, because transporters are round, and if not properly directed by a grown-up, will cause the entire ship to capsize. For some reason each sub-branch still has its own separate insignia.

USA_-_Logistics_Branch_Insignia

Medical Corps: One of the few branches which openly celebrates its death-cult past, the insignia for Medical Corps and all its sub-branches (Dental Corps, Veterinary Corps, etcetera) is the caduceus. A caduceus is a tall Staff of Ra with outstretched wings, wrapped with two snakes hissing at each other. The Staff of Ra represents the unholy alliance the branch has struck with various demons, evil spirits, Dark Old Ones, djinn, naga, and golems. The staff is also often borne by an Insect Shaman, and as every thaumaturgist knows, insect shamans are just, like, the worst. The wings represent a patient’s soul exiting its body and flying off to the great police call in the sky, as he finally succumbs to his various illnesses which have been wildly misdiagnosed by the befuddled doctor. The two snakes wound around the staff represent the two fleeting, ever-elusive goals of the Medical Corps: competence and timeliness. The fact that they hiss at one another signifies the vicious brutality which the medical administrative system will visit upon the soldier and his dependents. Some whisper that the snakes are actually joined at the tail and that it is actually one snake with two heads. Those insane psychopaths are immediately fast-tracked to become Surgeon General of the Army.

Med

Military Intelligence: This insignia is a five-pointed gold heraldic rose imposed over a four-pointed gold sun, further imposed over a gold sword. The rose represents the flowers which all intel analysts send to the grieving families of soldiers killed because they were using bad intel. The sun signifies the blinding light of knowledge, and also the sunburn-esque rash you got on your donger after messing around with that E5 from the MI company over in the BSTB that one time. She was such a whore. The sword stands for melee weaponry in World of Warcraft, which every MI soldier is required to play incessantly or he/she will never rise above junior enlisted rank.

Military Police: Crossed flintlock dueling pistols. These pistols are actually historically accurate, as they are a direct representation of the pistols wielded by MPs at the Battle Of San Luis Obispo, which took place when MPs attempted to roust a platoon of infantrymen who were just trying to enjoy their one god dam day of liberty by taking in an exotic dance recital. As the story goes, the infantrymen were none too enthusiastic about abandoning their nipple-viewing activities, and so they resisted physically, which forced the MPs to resort to more extreme methods. One thing led to another, and soon the whole area was bathed in napalm, packs of rabid cannibals roamed a debris-strewn wasteland, and Richard Nixon had to personally parachute in and use his superpowers to–well, you know the rest.

Ordnance Corps: A golden flaming bomb. The bomb reminds us that everything Ordnance Corps touches blows up in their face. The flames remind us that anybody who loudly declares that he is proud to be in the Ordnance Corps is a flamer. The bomb is lacking a fuse, which means the bomb is ready to detonate—symbolizing every Ordnance soldier’s lifelong problem with Premature Ejaculation. Please give.

Explosive Ordnance Disposal: A point-down bomb, behind which are lightning bolts, all of which are imposed over a shield from which are outstretched, feathered wings. The bomb indicates the severe damage which all EOD Techs will do to any working toilet. The lightning bolts symbolize the digital network which any bomb tech will use to download bootleg movies and squirter porn. The shield represents the tendency of any bomb tech to use the “fuck you, that’s not my job” excuse in any and all situations, including when they’ve been directly ordered to do something by a three-star general who is now commandant at West Point. The wings are there just because.

Psychological Operations: A golden horse head, behind which are a pair of crossed daggers which have turned into lightning at the tips. The horse head is a direct visual metaphor for the famous scene from The Godfather where the Don leaves the horse head in the bed of the movie producer. This symbolizes the way Psy Ops will mindfuck you—indeed, in their doctrinal corps competencies, the first one listed is “Mindfuck.” The two daggers represent the two Principles of Psychological Operations, which are brashness and unapologeticality. The daggers turning into lightning at the tip signifies Psy Ops capitalizing on the new frontier of social media, where they will post photoshopped pictures of you being taken to pound town by your own father in order to discredit you.

Quartermaster Corps: An eagle perched on top of a wheel, with a key and a sword crossed behind them. This insignia, voted “Most Frenetic” by the Army Institute of Heraldry at its annual dining-in, is difficult to decipher. The wheel represents the GOV van that supply sergeants use to go “to the SSA” to “pick up parts,” when in fact they stop at the shoppette for two hours to read every page of the latest low-rider magazines (“They got the chicks with the boobs on there.”) and try to flirt with the bored sixteen-year-old girl who works at Charley’s Subs. The thirteen stars represent the unluckiest number, 13, which symbolizes the curse of every company commander who’s ever had to deal with a shitty, sneaky, backbiting supply sergeant. The eagle stands for the dirty, rotten, borderline-felonious scavenging nature of supply sergeants the Army over. Yeah, eagles are carrion birds. You didn’t know that?

USA_-_Quartermaster_Corps_Branch_Insignia

Signal Corps: A pair of crossed semaphore flags, one white with a red center, and one red with a white center. These are crossed behind a flaming gold torch. The red-on-white flag, at left, symbolizes the blood of Signal Officers spilled when the battalion commander finally got tired of their excuses and just shot them in their fat fucking faces. The white-on-red flag, at right, symbolizes the purity of the signal, surrounded by the filth of all that which is not digital. The flaming torch would stand for the illumination of the human mind via communication if any commo network ever worked satisfactorily; instead, it stands for the numeral “1,” which represents the single solitary competent, reliable SigO in the entire army. He’s currently in Small Group 26F at the CGSC at Fort Leavenworth, and no, you can’t have him for your unit.

Special Forces: Officially a pair of crossed “arrows,” in reality they are far too short to be arrows, and are actually crossbow bolts. Considering that the crossbow for much of the Middle Ages was a tool for bandits and assassins (indeed, crossbows were banned for “all civillised [sic] men wheresoever they maye be found” by the Vatican for much of the 15th through 19th centuries), the crossed bolts symbolize the deceitful-yet-vicious nature of the typical SF officer. The heads of the bolts are broad, signifying the wildly non-doctrinal range of missions that SF will claim is rightfully theirs in lean times. The heads are also sharp, signifying the unpleasant knowledge in the back of every combatant commander’s mind that if an SF commander in their COCOM feels slighted, the butthurt party will just run to his patron Senator and pretty soon that general will be getting an angry phone call from some idiot who happens to be on the Armed Services Committee. The fletching on the arrows is fourteen, each, feathers, which symbolize the fourteen “key avenues of execution” for Special Forces: beards; ballcaps; hands in pockets; first-name basis; flip-flops; fucking all the females on the FOB; steroids; larceny; blatant disregard for no-alcohol policies; hiking boots instead of issue uniform boots while in uniform; long, flowing hair; more beards; skateboard helmets instead of MICHs; and mandatory wear of the green beret even when it would be much more convenient to wear a PC like a normal human being.

USA_-_Special_Forces_Branch_Insignia

Transportation Corps: Often called the “flying torch wheel” by that one instructor I had years ago, this is a ship’s wheel, over which is a shield, over which is a Detroit Redwings logo. The ship’s wheel symbolizes rum, sodomy, and the lash. The four spokes of the wheel symbolize the touchstones of transportation doctrine: lateness; incompleteness; disrespect; and unwarranted pride. The shield represents the vigorous defense which any Transporter will present should anybody point out that his branch is basically a bunch of glorified truckers. The Detroit Redwings logo is a reference to hockey, which, like the Transportation Corps, is something which should have been phased out long ago to make room for something that Americans give a shit about.

Chaplain: There are multiple insignia for the Chaplain Corps, depending on which faith the particular clergymen practice. However, it is incumbent upon us to note that there do not exist insigniae for the “miscellaneous” religions, such as Tribalistic Animism, Shintoism, Aum Shinkriko, EKENCAR, rootwork, Santeria, voodoo, “climate change,” or Mormons. This is clearly a huge infringement upon the rights of the minorities, and DB insists that this inequality is remedied at once.

Tune in next time as Duffel Blog explains the heraldric origins of all the Army’s divisional patches!

Army

Army not looking forward to prostate exam after 244th birthday

Published

on

WASHINGTON—The Army will celebrate its birthday today with the rite of passage every service endures once it reaches a certain age, the dreaded prostate exam, sources say.

Over the past 244 years, the Army has enjoyed relatively good health, with the exception of a few minor hiccups post-Vietnam and after the Gulf War, the Army recently told Congress. “Unfortunately, recent tensions with Iran, Russia, China, and Venezuela—along with recurring flare-ups in Iraq and Afghanistan—have left the Army concerned about the health of its aging combat systems, aching readiness numbers, and our likely basketball-sized prostate,” it said.

“I can’t seem to ‘force-flow’ troops into theater, if you know what I mean,” the Army told the Duffel Blog. “So I guess it’s time for the old finger sweep. I just hope the doc doesn’t have massive sausage fingers. I don’t want to walk around for the rest of the day looking stiff and constipated like the Marine Corps.”

Sources close to the Army say it has been secretly looking forward to the exam ever since its finger accidentally broke through some MRE toilet paper during its last deployment.

Nor will this be the first time the Army has had an invasive procedure involving its rectum. During the past several years of sequestration, the House and Senate Armed Service Committees have given the Army multiple unwanted colonoscopies, aimed at finding out why it was so bloated.

“Turns out I was just backed up with wasteful acquisition programs and a bunch of officers and NCOs who had never deployed,” the Army chuckled. “The colonoscopy prep flushed out most of it out and I took care of the rest with a few rounds of retention boards. Unfortunately, it looks like I will have chronic DCGS-A and a few other maladies for years to come.”

The Army has an appointment with the same doctor it saw at the Military Entrance Processing Station back in 1775, who sources say looked to be about 90-years-old back then. Though it will continue to face readiness health challenges as it ages, Army says  it will be ready to fight and win the nation’s wars—given enough warning and several billion more dollars than whatever Congress is currently appropriating.

Duffel Blog reporters Addison Blu and WT Door contributed to this article.

Continue Reading

Army

Chaplain’s wife drives to different state in disguise to buy dildo

Published

on

A person disguised in a ghillie suit

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla.—The wife of Army Chaplain Mike Phillips, Amy, has just been spotted entering a dildo store 350 miles from her home, sources confirm.

According to anecdotal reports, it is often difficult for spouses of the clergy to indulge in their love of cock, due to the busybody nature of congregants and parishioners. Spouses in need of “marital aids,” costumes, and restraints must travel far outside the Fort Hood area to procure the items required for a satisfying, make-you-weep orgasm.

Mrs. Phillips declined to comment to Duffel Blog reporters, but another chaplain’s wife offered some thoughts on condition that her real name not be used.

“It’s tough, it’s true,” said “Danielle,” the wife of Protestant Chaplain Steve White, the brigade chaplain of Panther Brigade, 82d Airborne Division, “because many of your husband’s flock think that you shouldn’t have needs and desires like a normal woman”

She continued, “Like just because your husband nurtures and shepherds young soldiers in their spiritual lives, you’re somehow supposed to be above just needing a thick tool slammed up in your clam.”

Danielle paused to adjust her Carmen Sandiego disguise while glancing furtively around the parking lot outside The Toybox, the best-Yelp-reviewed dildo store in Des Moines, Iowa—more than 1,000 safe miles away from Fort Bragg.

“Honestly, we have children, so they know we’ve had sex at least twice. I need a little more than man-on-top missionary once in a while, gosh darnit,” she added. “He is deployed all the time, and it’s only the Catholics and Mormons who are against self-pleasuring. I just need a little release, for crying out loud.”

Sources further confirmed that Mrs. Phillips was unfortunately thwarted in her attempt to covertly make her purchase (a 7 inch veiny Caucasian-color rubber vibrator that features “realistic squirting,” and several brand-associated refill vials of fake semen) when she ran into the wife of her husband’s head deacon, also in a beret and fake mustache, at the cash register. She was forced to ninja-roll under a rack of feather boas and fair-trade leather whips and dive out the window like Bruce Willis.

Continue Reading

Army

Staff Officers hope for war with Iran to end Bronze Star drought

Published

on

A Massachusetts bronze star license plate

THE PENTAGON — Many U.S. military staff officers are hoping for war with Iran, Duffel Blog has learned. These officers cite two reasons, sources familiar with the subject report: First, the U.S. has already gone to war with two of Iran’s neighbors and is familiar with the region. Second, many strategists believe the Iranian military machine will be defeated quickly, leading to a quick award of bronze stars before an even quicker departure from the ancient country.

“Finding excuses to write myself up so the colonel can sign a bronze star citation is difficult without a legitimate war,” Army Maj. James Forsyth said. “I don’t really want to do anything overtly valiant, because that could also be career threatening.”

“I just want people to see my bronzie license plate and assume that I did.”

As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have wound down, staff officers have been searching for ways to earn the once-prestigious decoration. Forsyth and his generation of officers joined too late for the Great Medal Giveaways of Aught-One and Aught-Three. Back then, simply doing your job was often enough. Citations include actions such as organizing mundane resupply convoys or reporting semiaccurate intelligence to the brigade commander on enemy strength and disposition.

Present-day lieutenant colonels and above earned their bronze stars in the early days in OIF when the bar was incredibly low—even serving on brigade staffs that never left Kuwait.

For enlisted personnel, the minimum bar has always been tied to valorous action. At present, and against all common sense, even officers have to storm a strongly defended trench full of, say, ISIS fighters for consideration. But sadly, such trenches have been increasingly hard to find as ISIS fighters are killed off by drone strikes conducted by “pilots” who received the “distinguished warfare medal.”

While many company-grade officers want decorations, enlisted troops are hoping to get the combat pay that will finally pay for expensive modified trucks and muscle cars to manage their three-mile commutes from base housing to work.

Continue Reading

Army

‘Call for Fyre Festival’ dupes Millennials into enlisting

Published

on

The Fyre Festival documentary from Netflix

FORT SILL, Okla.—Millennial recruits and their helicopter parents are demanding answers after the Army’s “Call for Fyre Festival” failed to deliver on its promises of extravagant music performances, celebrity appearances, and unrestricted free-fire zones.

The festival began as a recruiting gimmick to attract Millennials, but ballooned into a social-media phenomenon, enticing the nation’s youth to sign away years of their lives they would otherwise have been spent aimlessly racking up student debt.

Call for Fyre guaranteed access to exclusive clubs, such as Navy Federal Credit Union and the USO. The festival even offered premium packages for longer enlistments. For a six-year commitment, the High Value Individual, or “HVI,” package included an an AC-130 airstrike and a selfie with a captured ISIS commander’s corpse.

“Kids these days just aren’t into duty, or selfless service, or endless war,” said the festival’s co-founder, Sergeant First Class Will McFarland. “But they love flashy shit like Coachella. So that’s what we gave them. Coachella. With bombs.”

Trouble for the festival began when the U.S. withdrew its firebases from Northern Iraq, causing the festival’s location to change from Kurdistan to Fort Sill, Oklahoma. Unwilling to visit middle-America, social-media influencers such as Nancy Pelosi started cancelling appearances. And in the coup de grâce, the USO only managed to book music performances by one member of the Spin Doctors and Uncle Kracker.

Thanks to new Army policy allowing cell phones during training, millennial recruits are fighting back in the only way they know—hashtags and harsh language.

“THIS IS #FyreFRAUD! I was promised Cardi B and A-10’s, not dilapidated howitzers and washed up B-list bands,” tweeted Private Mark Marino.

The Army responded to the controversy on its official Instagram page: “The U.S. Army reminds its volunteers that you can’t sue your recruiter, but we will try to book some better artists for #CallforFyre2020.”

Continue Reading

Army

Soldier travels back in time to prevent his own wedding

Published

on

FORT HOOD, Texas—Sgt. Freddy Heflin, 1st Battalion, 9th Cavalry Regiment (“Head Hunters”), and his bride-to-be, Miss Adrienne Pickens, of the Pickens family from Cut and Shoot, Texas, were flummoxed on Saturday when their wedding was interrupted by an intruder calling himself “Freddy from the future,” witnesses say.

According to a specialist who was acting as ring bearer, just as minister Rev. Jack Carter of the Second Baptist Church of Huntsville asked the assembly if there were any objections to the union, a bright flash lit the Comanche Chapel and a man appeared, screaming for the proceedings to halt. Witnesses say he resembled Heflin, although approximately ten years older and with “crazy eyes.”

The man dashed up onto the dais, tastefully appointed by Miss Pickens with teal and pink primroses at great cost to her father, and yanked the groom’s hand away from the bride’s.

“Don’t do it!” he yelled. “Freddy, it’s me! You—I mean, it’s us! I worked so hard to travel back in time to tell you! Do not marry this woman!”

Best man Sgt. Barney Ross attempted at that point to eject the intruder, but Heflin stopped him.

“Wait,” Heflin said. “Let him speak.”

“She takes everything from us!” the man continued, pointing at Pickens. “She makes you stop playing video games—I wasn’t even allowed to get the Xbox Infinity, so I can’t play Halo 9 or PlayerUnknown’s Sex Battle! She never wants to have sex but won’t speak to me for days if she catches me jerking off or watching porn.”

Witness say Future Heflin spoke quickly, telling Heflin, “I can’t go out with the guys every once in awhile, but she has ‘book club’ once a week, which is really just an excuse for her and her friends to gripe about their husbands and drink shitty wine. I can’t watch football anymore, she made me throw out my comic books, and she makes fun of me whenever I watch Firefly.

“Oh yeah,” Future Heflin added, “they renew Firefly.” He and Current Heflin then high-fived.

“This is an outrage!” Pickens cried. “Get this insane person out of here!”

“It gets worse,” said Future Heflin. “She cheats on you. She refuses to let you discipline our children—they were obese by the time they hit kindergarten. And speaking of weight, she’s going to gain 80 pounds in the next five years. Eighty. You think this is the real Adrienne? Last year she got double bronchial pneumonia and almost died. She was in the hospital and lost half her body weight. I didn’t realize it—you don’t realize it—but think about it: We’ve never seen pictures of her from high school.

“Have you been spying on us?” yelled Mr. Pickens at that point, rising to his feet. “Somebody call the cops. Reverend, please do something!”

“Want proof that I’m from the future?” Future Heflin continued. He pointed at Sergeant Ross. “She fucked your best friend. Not two weeks ago. It was when you had that fight over the groom’s cake, when she said it was childish to have a Dallas Cowboys cake. Remember that?”

The groom’s aunt reports that at this point, Ross hung his head, and said, “I’m sorry, Fred. She came over to ask my advice and brought a bunch of wine, and the next thing you know we’re both drunk and then she pushed me down on that Dinosaucers bedspread I have and pulled my pants down …”

Future Heflin reportedly also described a future war in Ukraine. “When you get back from your second Ukraine deployment in 2027—that’s right, I said second—she will empty your bank account, leave the kids with your mom, and be off in San Juan de Allende with Ray Breslin, her boyfriend from tenth grade,” he said, according to witness. “Who I almost feel sorry for, by the way, because she slowly made him throw out all his favorite things, too. I’m telling you. Walk out of here right now and don’t look back. Save the future: Dump this bitch.”

The witnesses added that “the weirdness didn’t stop there.”

The chapel apparently was lit by a second flash of light, and an obese woman appeared, wearing an “Army Wife—Hardest Job In The Army” t-shirt, blue leopard-print yoga pants, and flip flops, shrieking like a harpy.

“Fred!” she allegedly screamed. “What are you telling them? Don’t listen to him! He’s a liar! I only sucked Ross off because he made me drink a bunch of my favorite wine, which I only bought on the way to his place because it was on sale. We didn’t even really have real, actual, sex, only for like 20 or 30 minutes. And the kids are fine, lots of eight-year-olds weigh 220 pounds. Just do a Google Image search!”

“Oh, Christ,” Future Heflin said. He turned to Pickens. “This is who you become. You happy now?”

“Oh my fucking sweet Lord,” exclaimed Current Heflin.

Maid of honor Chelsea Houston denied reports that she muttered “Wow, Adrienne, she looks just like your senior pictures, but, like, plus-20 years” at this point.

“Listen, buddy, I’m not pissed at you if this is who she was all along,” Current Heflin said to Ross. Witnesses agree that at this point, Heflin turned to the groom side of the Chapel and said, “Well, there’s still a conference center out in Belton with a shitload of finger foods and booze. Who wants to get the hell out of here?”

“Baby, no! This is all some kind of lie! This isn’t who I become! I love you!” Pickens allegedly cried tearfully.

“I make you into a better person, not a childish moron, and this is how you thank me?” Future Pickens yelled.

Current Heflin, Future Heflin, and guests then departed the chapel, leaving the bridal party and her family in what some called “stunned silence.”

Neither family agreed to comment on the record.

Continue Reading

Army

Pentagon senior executive fired for inadvertently making a decision

Published

on

WASHINGTON – Pentagon officials fired a senior bureaucrat after he accidentally made a decision, breaking decades of tradition and spurring fears that the building may become more efficient, sources confirmed today.

Donald Witherspoon, a Senior Executive Service (SES) civilian on the Army staff, began working at the Pentagon after he retired as a colonel weeks before he was supposed to deploy for the first time.

Sources say Witherspoon began his day like any other: by crying in the shower, screaming “you are a man” at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, and donning an ill-fitting suit before driving to work. Little did he know, his role in the Pentagon was about to come to an end.

The incident occurred when Witherspoon returned from a meeting and mistook a staff action packet for a coloring book. After keeping mostly within the lines, he was so pleased with himself that he signed the document and handed it to his executive officer. The unwitting bureaucrat became the first SES since 1952 to make a decision in the Pentagon.

“So many processes had to fail for this to happen,” said Witherspoon’s executive officer, Col. Stephen Newell.  “This system is designed to delay decisions indefinitely … or at least spread risk among dozens of generals and SES’s so that no single leader can be held accountable.” After this revelation, blood trickled from Newell’s nose and he collapsed.

Dr. Jonathan Northfield, a Pentagon mathematician, was less surprised by the incident.

“It was a statistical eventuality … like the infinite monkey theorem,” said Northfield, referring to the theory where a monkey randomly hitting keys on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will eventually churn out Shakespeare’s complete works. “Witherspoon was the monkey who accidentally wrote King Lear.”

A consulting firm has already offered Witherspoon a position to sit quietly at meetings and alternate facial expressions between a vacant smile and a concerned scowl for double his current salary.

Continue Reading

Army

Point/Counterpoint: Future wars will be fought with AI robots vs. ‘Microsoft Word is not responding’

Published

on

https://www.dvidshub.net/image/2713125/testing-future-marine-corps-warfighting-laboratory

The following is a point/counterpoint discussion about the use of artificial intelligence (AI), machine learning, and robots in future large scale ground combat. The point will be presented by an Army officer writing an article for an online military journal. The counterpoint will be presented by the same officer while his computer’s operating system, software suite, and the Pentagon Joint Service Provider thwart his attempt to write the article.

Point: Future combat will be lightning fast, violent, and lethal, requiring leaders to rely on artificial intelligence and machine learning to process massive amounts of intelligence and make decisions rapidly.

Counterpoint: [Smart card error. The smart card was not recognized. Please check that the card is inserted correctly and fits tightly] “Jesus … Alright, I’ll put the card back in juuuuust right for you. I hate this computer.”

Point: Near-peer adversaries will contest our forces in all domains, from mission receipt to crossing the line of departure. Our information and cyber warriors will be able to respond to threats in real time.

Counterpoint: [slams mouse down] “I just LOVE typing my pin number in six times when I open anything.”

Point: Soldiers at the squad level will have zettabytes of information at their fingertips. They will maneuver dispersed, alone and unafraid, massing synchronized effects on target with assured communications.

Counterpoint: [Please select a cert.] “Am I supposed to use my authentication cert or my email cert to log in? “[No valid certificates found.] “Fan-fucking-tastic, why would I want to be able to access the shared drive?”

Point: In order to impose multiple dilemmas on our adversary and minimize risk to U.S. forces, we will use artificially intelligent robots.

Counterpoint: [Microsoft Office Word is not responding. If you close the program, you might lose information] “Ummm.” [Clicks “wait for the program to respond”]

Point: These unmanned systems will coordinate attacks autonomously, based on the commander’s vision and intent, and destroy everything in their path.

Counterpoint: [:( your PC ran into a problem and needs to restart. We’re just collecting some error info, and then we’ll restart for you] “Wait, what the fuck? No, no, no. I haven’t saved in like …  two hours. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!”

Point: By employing task-based artificial intelligence, these systems will also improve our ability to distinguish legitimate targets from harmless civilians. They will minimize civilian casualties while maximizing lethality.

Counterpoint: [Smart card error. The smart card was not recognized. Please check that the card is inserted correctly and fits tightly] “DAMN YOU JOINT SERVICE PROVIDER! I PRAY TO GOD I SEE ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE HALLWAY!!!”

Duffel Blog reporters 29ReasonsWhy and Veishnoriets contributed to this article.

Continue Reading

Army

Alabama National Guardsman charged after aborting unplanned mission

Published

on

GHAZNI, Afghanistan — An Alabama National Guard lieutenant is facing legal action after he aborted a botched mission, sources confirmed today.

1st Lt. Casey Wade attempted to penetrate a Taliban stronghold, but chose to abort the mission when his unprotected platoon took heavy enemy fire. After-action reports revealed the mission was totally unplanned and lacked critical material and emotional support from Wade’s chain of command.

Wade is alleged to have violated an Alabama National Guard policy that prohibits all abortions except on missions that pose a significant risk to the career of a colonel or higher.

“Clearly Wade wasn’t ready for this commitment, but he made his choice to go in, and he needed to see it through,” said Wade’s commander, Capt. Ted Shapiro. “Wade is an abomination, and should be thrown out of the Army immediately.”

Wade’s legal team sees the matter in a very different light. “They were only six weeks into a nine-month deployment, and didn’t even know that area was impregnable,” said Wade’s lawyer, Capt. Ashlynn Torgelson. “Wade was the ground commander, so that mission was his baby. His mission, his choice.”

Local Afghans were also supportive of Wade’s choice to abort.

“Last week, one of their bombs hit our universal preschool. These Alabamans are a bunch of baby killers,” a tribal elder told reporters.

If convicted, Wade could be forced to serve up to 99 years in the Alabama National Guard.

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Advertisement

Trending