BETHESDA, Md. — After lurching awake in a sweating, panicky daze, new White House National Security Advisor John Bolton was reportedly relieved that the image of a harmonious world at peace was only a terrifying nightmare, sources confirmed today.
“GAA! Oh my God, I just saw people living without the anxiety of total war and Kim Jong Un being a decent human being. It was fucking petrifying,” said Bolton, frantically checking his phone to make sure every news source was still concerned with his neoconservative foreign-policy ideas and pushes for military interventions in Iraq, Syria, Iran, North Korea, Mexico, Venezuela, Aruba, and other countries.
“I was so worried that I’d be out of a job and have to just play endless games of Command & Conquer on my laptop,” Bolton later told reporters. “But once I wiped the sweat from my mustache and realized it was just a fictitious yet disturbing vision of peaceful foreign relations, I was able to catch my breath and began having sweet dreams of bombing totalitarian regimes and committing human rights violations.”
Bolton seemingly then proceeded to go back to sleep, consoled by the wet dream of an intense war with Iran and North Korea at the same time, sources said.
“I swear to God that nightmare was worse than the one I had of my mustache crawling off my face, turning into a cocoon, and becoming a beautiful colorful butterfly.”