WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s temporary halt to military moves could has left thousands of moving company workers unemployed. To offset the losses, companies are resorting to selling everyone’s stolen material goods, says a spokesperson for the American Moving and Storage Association.
Greg Richards, director of government and military relations for U.S. Transportation Command, said that due to the massive hit toward one of the largest moving segments in the country, moving companies must go through all the stolen flat screen TVs, rare sports memorabilia, and iPads from last year’s moving season and sell them.
“This couldn’t have come at a worse time, as Spring is our biggest money maker of the whole year,” said a representative of a moving company that would like to remain nameless so it can rob you again next year. “We’ve been really banking on getting some sweet stuff from military families who put their trust in our process. We depend on that gullibility to maintain our business model.”
“Like, we were hoping to keep a lot of the Playstations and women’s underwear that we end up jacking.”
In late March, Deputy Defense Secretary David Norquist announced a stop-order for all official military moves because of the coronavirus outbreak.
In response, U.S. Transportation Command ordered moving companies “to ‘get more creative’ to develop other methods of income” and directed service members to communicate with their chain of command if they need a longwinded response that makes them forget what they asked in the first place.
“In retrospect,” exclaimed one moving company representative, “we should have been stealing toilet paper and respirators. We’d be making more of a profit than if we had been back in business!”