Captain Uglúk, Blood Commander of the Uruk-hai, gives your weekend safety brief


ISENGARD — All right boys, this is it, the weekend. We’ve got two hobbits in captivity, we’re on the brink of an epic battle over the fate of Middle Earth, and the last thing I need is one of you scum showing up in the police blotter on Monday morning. Just think what the Master would say!

What’s that, Grishnákh? No! These hobbits are not for eating!

Back to the safety brief. When you’re raping and pillaging through the Hills of Emyn Muil this weekend, remember to have a plan, and always wear protection. The women of the Rohirrim may be the fairest on this side of the Misty Mountains, but even the dark forces of Sauron are not immune to sexually transmitted diseases.

What now? No, we don’t have any meat. I understand you’re starving and we’ve eaten nothing but maggoty bread for three stinkin’ days, but you signed up for this when you decided to serve the forces of evil.

Now, these hobbits have something the Master wants. It’s some sort of Elvish weapon that will help us win the war. So when you’re out and about this weekend having a grand old time burning villages or whatever it is you millennials do, remember the oath you swore to help the Dark One enslave all beings and rule over Middle Earth in an eternal kingdom of darkness.

No, not even their legs, Grishnákh. You know what, I’m just gonna put an end to this and decapitate you. Who else wants to eat Grishnákh?

It’s settled then. You guys go ahead and eat Grishnákh.

But keep in mind: meat may be back on the menu, boys, but drunk driving most definitely is not.

Justin Coates contributed reporting.


Cat Astronaut

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.
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