WASHINGTON — The Pentagon confirmed today that it has accepted an anonymous gift of 130 million cans of Skoal wintergreen smokeless tobacco that will be used to pay troops during the government shutdown.
The donation comes after billions of cans of dip were repurposed from research and development efforts last month to make payroll. While it’s only a small drop in the bucket — a typical military pay day costs about 7 billion cans — it has nonetheless been appreciated by the troops.
“There’s about 1.3 million active-duty troops. That’s 100 cans per person,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George. “It’s not a full paycheck, but if we ration it smartly and reuse pinches, we can probably make it through the next few weeks.”
President Trump declined to identify the donor but praised him as “a true patriot who would personally take the dip out of his own mouth and stick it right into our soldiers’ mouths.”
“It’s true Americans like this who make our country great by keeping our troops’ mouths full of juicy loose-leaf tobacco,” Trump added. “Meanwhile, the Democrats didn’t even cough up a single tin of Grizzly. Sad!”
The donation marks the first time private citizens have funded military pay since 1893, when Andrew Carnegie reportedly covered payroll with five million tobacco plugs and 100,000 spittoons.