THE PENTAGON— Navy Adm. Frank “Mitch” Bradley, head of U.S. Special Operations Command, is facing public scrutiny and possible criminal prosecution after accusations by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth that the admiral followed a direct order to kill survivors of a drone strike that he himself definitely did not give.
“Bradley?” Hegseth said, when asked by Teen Vogue’s Pentagon correspondent. “Never heard of her.”
Bradley oversaw a Sept. 2 strike of a speedboat that maybe, definitely, or was possibly carrying fentanyl that may come to the United States via South America but definitely does not. Hegseth has offered Bradley his unconditional love and says he will support the admiral despite the fact that the great American patriot whose service has been tremendous is definitely lying when he says Hegseth gave a verbal order to “kill them all and let God sort them out,” even though Hegseth recently had that phrase tattooed on his lower back.
Some legal scholars argue that launching a second missile to target wounded survivors is a blatant war crime. Hegseth, however, remains unmoved.
“Seriously?” he asked reporters. “You people have nothing better to do than hound a patriotic admiral who used maybe-flawed-but-totally-understandable judgment in the fog of war — while I was literally in the head reading the Geneva Conventions to make sure we did everything by the book? Fine. I admit it. I committed a crime that night. I was smoking a Lucky Strike. You got me.”
Hegseth insisted that Bradley did nothing wrong, but also that if anything wrong happened, it was entirely his fault and he will absolutely be held accountable — pending the news cycle.
“Look,” Hegseth said. “If Admiral Bradley had done something wrong — which, to be clear, he didn’t — then he would have to answer for it. But he doesn’t. Yet whatever he didn’t do is still entirely his responsibility. And I promise you, he will be prosecuted to the full extent of tomorrow’s headlines.”
But sources say the situation is worse than anyone imagined. Pentagon officials have identified ten additional catastrophes that can and therefore will be blamed on Bradley.
10) The OnlyFans charges on Hegseth’s credit card
Hegseth told his wife it was Bradley’s doing after leaving his credit card info on a Post-it in the break room. “I always lose my personal card,” he said. “And you can’t use a government card for that stuff. They investigate.”
9) Reflective PT belts
Real men PT in black clothes on dark streets after midnight on the night of a new moon. Maybe that’s not how SEALs do things, but in the Minnesota Army National Guard, there’s no time for namby and/or pamby.
8) Franklin the Turtle memes
Bradley allegedly posted the infamous “for your Christmas list” tweet from Hegseth’s phone while he stepped out of the SCIF. When reminded phones aren’t allowed in a SCIF, Hegseth replied, “I said skiff, like a boat. Where you’d be with an admiral. Doing boat stuff.”
7) Grunt Style.
No explanation necessary. Someone has to pay.
6) The really expensive ‘emergency’ paint job of the SECDEF's house.
Bradley told Hegseth he “had a guy,” but when ICE deported all the guy’s guys, Bradley’s guy had to hire real workers, American workers. But it turns out that real American workers cost a lot more and do a lot less, and it went way over budget.
"He meant well, I’m sure,” Hegseth said. “I was just taking the best advice of a commander who almost always knows his business. Sometimes things just go wrong through no fault of mine whatsoever, though.”
5) The ice bucket challenge
Bradley just wanted everyone else to suffer through cold water, SEAL-style. There's a TikTok, but you’ll have to find it yourself.
4) The McRib leaving again soon
We don’t know how, but this one’s on him.