WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth expressed disappointment that his recent sexual assault training focused on prevention rather than ‘practical application,’ sources confirmed today.
“He came in all excited, saying ‘I’m gonna learn some new tricks,’” said Janice Wellborne, former Sexual Assault and Prevention Response (SAPR) Coordinator. “He got upset when I said ‘Hell yeah bro’ is not an appropriate response.
“He was disruptive during the presentation,” Wellborne continued, “Saying things like ‘Good luck trying to prevent this,’ while pointing towards his crotch, and ‘Bill O’Reilly told me if she’s asleep she can’t say no.’ When I said consent is a legal issue, he said ‘Not if she doesn’t call the cops.’”
“Also, is anybody hiring?” she added, before pouring Fireball into her coffee.
Army Col. John Adams, who was present at the training, also described Hegseth’s actions.
“He was taking notes during the part about online harassment and burner phones. During one of the breaks an aide came running in to show him how to replace his SIM card. Then he showed me a picture of a second lieutenant and said ‘I’d get sexual on her ass-ment, bro.’ I asked him how his wife would feel about this and he said ‘It doesn’t matter if the man cheats.’”
According to senior defense officials, the secretary left the training early to help set up the Pentagon’s monthly “Natty Ice Kegger, no Black chicks” party at Crystal City Restaurant. He spoke to reporters at the scene.
“I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to deal with this woke shit,” Hegseth said. “I’ve got bombers striking Yemen from the North at 1342 Zulu, so I’m not going to sit around and listen to someone tell me texting unsolicited dick pics is inappropriate office behavior. Why would anyone ask before sending a… You see, this is Marxist stuff the left uses to divide us. And if you’re going to ask why the women’s locker room and showers are closed for maintenance, I got a guy in there making sure there aren’t any hidden cameras. It might take him a while to find all seventeen that, uh, might be in there.”
He then attempted to finger a woman mid-kegstand, whispering ‘I fought for your freedom’ before falling into the nacho table. At press time, Hegseth was reported to be ordering his aides to put a mattress on his boat, because ‘boats get bitches,’ according to an email he accidentally cc’d to the entire Joint Chiefs.
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