Mattis emerges from time machine, horrified to learn Pete Hegseth is SecDef
General returns to find ICE in museums, POWs in Ukraine, and the Constitution on vacation.
WASHINGTON — Retired general and former Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis emerged from a time machine in the nation’s capital today, recoiling in horror at the devastation wrought by his accidental disturbance of Earth’s timeline.
“It was just one butterfly…” he stammered while shakily reading a Washington Post headline about North Korean POWs in Ukraine while an ICE agent dragged a hogtied fourth-grader from the Air and Space Museum.
After a brief trip to the Library of Congress to get up to speed, Mattis called a press conference on the National Mall in front of his time-traveling Tesla Cybertruck. Mattis explained that he’d taken a late honeymoon with his physicist wife, slipping off to observe the dawn of humanity, when he’d accidentally stepped on the prehistoric Lepidopteran, forever altering the course of history.
The legendary Marine suggested the moment of divergence seems to have occurred sometime in 2022, when the original timeline’s President Biden announced he would be a single-term president. “Powerful speech,” Mattis said approvingly. “He told the nation that he could feel age catching up to him, and that the only right thing to do was to declare as early as possible that he wouldn’t seek re-election.”
Mattis went on to explain that this selfless declaration allowed voters time to make a thoroughly informed decision of their choosing, which in turn forced the Democratic Party to the painful reckoning that it had strayed too far from the concerns of the average American, thereby empowering the nation’s voters to conclude they didn’t need to turn to a reactionary avatar of cultural discontent just to feel heard, in turn drawing selfless patriots of both parties to run in the primary elections.
“I won’t spoil how the general election went,” Mattis said, “but I would’ve been proud of either party’s candidate to occupy the most esteemed office in the land and provide dignified leadership as President and Commander in Chief.”
In this original American timeline, billionaire Elon Musk was so moved by Biden’s selflessness that he unveiled an ambitious plan to use his money to “Do Good to Everyone,” or DOGE. Musk managed to address both world hunger and time travel with DOGE, incorporating the technology in new Teslas so they could literally eliminate the risk of an accident upon impact.
“For my wedding, Elon lent me the world’s only ‘Cybertruck,’” Mattis said, making air quotes. In his search for novel cures to rare pediatric disease, Musk built this single vehicle with a fusion-core temporal-modulator powerful enough for epochal diachronology, said Mattis, “but alas necessitating the visually grating, all-metal, angular monstrosity you see before you, for tachyon containment.”
Asking to borrow a reporter’s cell phone, Mattis spoke briefly into the device, then slowly handed it back, seemingly even more perplexed.
“I just called the SecDef’s private line, and some former Major answered? Pretty low rank for a military assistant.” A reporter then explained that Mattis had, in fact, talked to Pete Hegseth, the Secretary of Defense.
“He’s got the same name as that smarmy fuckwit on Fox?” Mattis asked, as the assembled reporters avoided eye contact.
When a reporter finally broke the silence, it was to ask the time-jumping general his thoughts on the recent deployment of troops to Los Angeles. “Sweet baby Jesus,” Mattis intoned, putting his hands to his head. “I saw it referenced in the Post, but assumed it was a metaphor. Actual troops?” Met again with silence, Mattis looked from face to face. “What about Posse Comitatus? Where are the courts, where is Congress? Hell, are we even still a democracy?”
Mattis held out a hand. “You know what? Don’t answer that. I’m just gonna let C.Q. explain this to me. Who can give me a ride to the Pentagon?”
A visibly weeping Marine colonel then mounted the stage and whispered into Mattis’s ear. In lieu of a response, Mattis stared vacantly in the direction of the Lincoln Memorial for a full minute before departing the stage and walking with purpose to his Cybertruck, declaring his intention to travel from “Cambrian to Cretaceous, stomping the shit out of everything that walks, flies, or swims.”
There was a sound of thunder, and he was gone.
Bernard Buttersquash also refuses to sell arms to Ukraine
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Not casting any shade on those fine and gallant officers who served during the first Trump administration, but with the exception of Milley, they were all in a time capsule, thinking their notions of honor and service carried any weight. A special negative shout out goes to McMasters, who wrote so well about dereliction of duty and then happily practised it when allowed to be close to power. LIke the British bands played at Yorktown, "And the World Turned Upside Down". Great job as always.
Oh my goodness I needed this today. Stomp away Sir!