WASHINGTON — U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced today that it has entered into a “groundbreaking and mutually beneficial security arrangement” with the Taliban to help identify, track, and deport Afghan interpreters who aided American forces during the 20-year war, along with their spouses and children.
“America comes first — not foreigners, allies, or people who put their lives on the line for our country in a faraway land,” said Acting ICE Director Todd Lyons at a press conference alongside DHS Secretary Kristi Noem and Taliban Border and Tribal Affairs Minister Norullah Noori.
Noori called ICE “a natural ally” with “excellent tactics, techniques and procedures when it comes to indiscriminate, unaccountable brute force,” adding that, “we don’t quite understand why they’re covering their faces — are they women?”
Under the agreement, the Taliban will offer “on-the-ground expertise” in displacing and shattering the lives of former interpreters and their families. In exchange, ICE will share “lessons learned” about family separation policies and the treatment of unwanted women and children, which Taliban representatives described as “forward-thinking and inspirational.”
Responses from the international community varied, with Russia lauding the move as “instrumental in the global struggle against people who trust America.”
The announcement drew criticism from human rights groups, however.
“This is appalling,” said one refugee advocate. “These interpreters risked their lives for our troops in combat, and we owe them and their families safety and asylum. Partnering with the Taliban to hunt them down is like putting a wellness influencer in charge of public health.”
But Secretary Noem dismissed the concerns, asking “where that woke bitch refugee advocate" was on 9/11.
”Clarifying questions like, 'what?' and, 'why is Secretary Noem wearing ice skates, camouflage pants, a climbing harness, and a bike helmet with affixed night vision goggles?' went unanswered.
Early reports suggest the partnership is already operational. In Mount Vernon, Virginia, swarms of combined ICE-Taliban patrols have begun rounding up suspected interpreters as they walked their children home from school after working multiple jobs that fuel the American economy and generate tax revenue.
Americans responded to the news by purchasing Peacock Premium so they could watch Love Island with fewer ads.
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