Trump announces CIA op in Venezuela will be perfect

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WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump took to Truth Social at 2:03 a.m. Friday to announce that a covert CIA operation in Venezuela would “go off without a hitch” next week.

“MADURO CAN SUCK MY BALLS!” Trump posted in all caps. “NEXT WEEK OUR GREAT SPIES WILL STAGE A TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE REASON TO INVADE VENEZUELA. THE WORLD WILL NEVER SEE IT COMING! OUR TROOPS ARE EXCITED TO DIE IN ANOTHER POINTLESS WAR. GOD BLESS AMERICA.”

The post included an AI-created image of Trump giving a thumbs-up next to a flaming oil refinery alongside a caption of “Somewhere in Caracas.”

The statement comes amid reports of U.S. Navy warships deploying to the Caribbean, including a full carrier strike group. Analysts believe the move signals the start of yet another destabilizing regime change effort in a country that most Americans can’t locate on a map.

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the operation, stating, “The president is right. Maduro absolutely can suck his balls. Republicans do it all the time.”

Earlier this week, Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro claimed his security forces arrested multiple CIA operatives attempting to orchestrate a false flag attack on U.S. naval assets. While Maduro’s claims have not been substantiated, a CIA operation ending in humiliating disaster would come as no surprise.

Following a string of strikes on suspected drug boats and fishing vessels off the Venezuelan coast, sources say next week's “Operation Very Fine Coup” will commence with airstrikes on farmers, schools, and civilian cars that may be carrying drugs.

“All the people with common sense say we shouldn’t invade Venezuela, so you can bet your ass we’re going to do it,” said Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell.

“The cartel you’ve never heard of is a minor player in the drug trade and must be stopped. An invasion and botched occupation will turn Venezuela into a lawless anarchy where these cartels will have much less power. Based on our track record, this will backfire and we'll end up worse off than we were before. Now let’s get out there and beat them like my wife.”