ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Following the announcement that the U.S. Naval Academy would begin accepting applications from students using the Classic Learning Test, officials confirmed today that See Spot Run has been added to the school's official reading list.
“When I heard we were accepting an alternate SAT run by the CEO of PragerU I thought it was a joke,” said Lt. Gen. Michael Borgshulte, superintendent of the Naval Academy. “But it’s what we’re going to be doing. Anything’s possible with these motherfu- fine people in charge.”
The Classic Learning Test (CLT), often referred to as the conservative alternative to the SAT and ACT according to the company behind the test and the Congressmen they bribe, is accepted at some Christian colleges and a handful of state schools in Florida, Texas, Arkansas, and Wyoming. It includes questions such as:
A mother buys two types of shirts for her son: red shirts and blue shirts. Before she goes shopping, the ratio of red to blue shirts in the son’s closet is 11:14. She buys 2 new red shirts and 4 new blue shirts. When she adds these to her son’s closet, what is the new ratio of red to blue shirts?
A) 3:4
B) 11:14
C) 13:18
D) It is impossible to determine from the given information.
Experts say this is an appropriate gauge of the mathematical knowledge of students in Oklahoma.
“If the Navy can take someone who scored a 10 on the ASVAB and make them an Operational Specialist,” Borgshulte said, “We can take someone who passes this test and, um… have them cut the grass. That’s off the record, don’t print that.”
To prepare for the new class of midshipmen, faculty are lowering academic expectations. “During plebe summer everyone will read See Spot Run,” said Dr. Alvin Mellonbottom, head of the English Department. “Advanced literature will cover The Cat in the Hat. Our goal is for students to understand that the cat is wearing the hat, not living inside it.”
Other changes include replacing calculus with Math 101: Counting on Your Fingers, and adding Chemistry 100: Don’t Stick Your Dick in the Bottles. Amanda Eliot, protocol advisor to the commandant, says her department is introducing new social instruction such as “Windows are not for licking” and “Please masturbate in private.”
Reached for comment, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said, “Hurr durr. I like coffee with the brown stinky juice. Triangle no fit in round hole. Mommy help.”
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