WASHINGTON — Recently released videos of Unidentified Aerial Phenomena (UAP) show no evidence of extraterrestrial life, said Mzorpus Klaatu, Space Force’s General of Galaxy Markarian 422 and foremost alien expert.
“Disregard my title and command,” said Klaatu to a bi-partisan Congressional panel, “it is not important and too complex for most humans to understand.” Responding to questions with what observers described as an “almost robotic voice” and “laser focus” with a single mechanical eye, Klaatu offered Earthly explanations for recent UAP reports.
According to Klaatu, one video of an object skirting at high speed over the ocean surface only shows the wind blowing a mylar balloon released from a party on the USS Theodore Roosevelt celebrating 10 days without a sexual harassment incident. “You cannot blame the crew for getting excited,” he said.
Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), creating a Devil’s Tower diorama out of mashed potatoes, asked the general to explain the “flying Tic-Tacs” of one video. Klaatu responded, “They are actually flying Tic-Tacs. The latest Space Force breath technology. I am using one now. Mmm. Fresh.”
