Absence of assassin from future confuses ambitious company commander

Fort Bragg, N.C. — A company commander is expressing shock and dismay that after six years in the Army a future assassin has yet to travel back in time and attempt to kill him, sources confirmed today.

"Boundless ambition? Check. Contempt for subordinates? Check. Rejection of enlightenment values combined with a burning desire to usher in a fascistic, mi…