Hegseth renames USNS Harvey Milk to USNS James Earl Ray, but a different one
Says move is part of broader strategy to ‘de-gay the gray hulls.’
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced earlier this week that the USNS Harvey Milk (T-AO-206) will be renamed USNS James Earl Ray, but after a different individual with the same name.
“This ship will honor someone significantly less gay,” Hegseth said in a video message from his office, sipping sweet tea with a slice of lime. “Naming a ship after a Naval officer who served with honor during the Korean War is a disgrace to the Navy and its strong reputation for heterosexuality. From now on, T-AO-206 will be named USNS James Earl Ray, but not after the guy who shot MLK.”
“It’s actually a combination of names,” Hegseth said. “James for Vice Admiral James Stockdale, Earl for the Medal of Honor winner Robert Earl Bonney, and Ray, because it’s a drop of golden sun.”
“I just want to be absolutely clear,” Hegseth said while scrolling Wikipedia on his desktop computer. “This is a different James Earl Ray. Totally separate guy. The actions of the assassin James Earl Ray are not in line with the values of the Department of Defense. We would never support or honor a white man who chose to be within range of a black person,” Hegseth added.
Meanwhile, critics have claimed that renaming USNS Harvey Milk during Pride month was a slap in the face of all gay servicemembers in the military. Hegseth confirmed this was accurate.
“Honoring gay people is not in line with the policies of this administration,” Hegseth said. “That would open a gateway for the Marxists, who will not stop until trans-lesbian black females run everything.”
The defense secretary noted that the Pentagon would now honor “a separate, yet unequal,” part of American history.
“We’re sending a strong message to our adversaries — especially those in Navy HR. From here on, our Navy and our broader armed forces will reflect traditional values, like open containers and vague Southern resentment.”
At press time, Hegseth was ordering USS Doris Miller, USNS Thurgood Marshall, USNS Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and USNS Harriet Tubman to have their names changed to sailors who had the same names as Confederate generals.
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Great job as always. I especially like your exposing the contempt this administration has for us and them thinking we're too stupid to notice their thinly-veiled racism, misogyny, and homophobia.
Keep up the fire!
Congrats on some Brezhnev-era-level samizdat. OK, technically not samizdat, but the feel is there. I know the rocks in the box currently running the country make it easy to write satire, but your efforts are deeply appreciated...and again, this was a fine bit of boil-lancing. Cheers!