WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis is “thanking God” after an alleged assassination attempt on his life only involved seeds used to make the deadly poison ricin, not Charms, a candy
BOSTON — Massachusetts Democratic Sen. Dickard Rosenthal has released the results of genetic testing to add legitimacy to his claim that he is “basically a veteran” and “should be treated as
AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban insurgency, internationally known for waging a brutal nearly two decade war with the U.S., announced they would be suspending all combat operations until pop singer Ariana
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KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — An Afghan bodyguard seems like “a real straight-shooter,” sources reported today, adding that the professional guardian’s steely-eyed, thousand-yard stare brings a tide of warmth and comfort to
FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — An intensive 10 year study completed by a U.S. Army soldier with pus-filled abscesses where his teeth used to be suggests that drinking in excess of
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Special operators will no longer be allowed to wear black face paint after biting criticism from activist groups, sources confirmed today. The move is aimed to
PANAMA CITY, Panama — A Virginia-based U.S. Coast Guard crew recently became a helping hand for an adorable sea creature needing help. The USCG Cutter Bear’s crew was on
WASHINGTON — US forces reportedly did stuff in Afghanistan or something in an attack on whomever in some place in whatever province, sources confirmed today. Gen. He's Lying To
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army leaders directed a non-commissioned officer to medical screening for a traumatic brain injury after he advocated for soldiers and displayed compassion to fellow human beings,
WASHINGTON — The Air Force announced today that it would no longer require recruits to become baptized Christians in order to graduate basic training following yet another bout of criticism over
PARIS — Walter Benson, a retired BOLT-117 laser-guided bomb, came crashing through the ceiling of the Louvre in Paris as part of a laser-guided tour of Europe, sources confirmed today. “At
WASHINGTON — Sagacious officers across all branches of the armed forces are only indulging in five rosewater scones per day on the average, according to a report released today. The 14-page
CAMP COURTNEY, Okinawa — Retiring Headquarters Battalion Sgt. Maj. Joe Perkins expressed outrage and disgust on the hallowed literary digest LinkedIn over the lack of high-pay, high-power jobs available for veterans
WASHINGTON — The Office of the Chief of Staff of the Army has issued a new All-Army Activities message, or ALARACT, empowering military police with punitive authority to issue monetary citations
WEST POINT, N.Y. – From the moment he stepped onto, as he calls it, Apron 9 ¾, West Point Fourth Classman Blaise Boodlesworthy has been waiting for the end of beast
NORFOLK, Va. — Filming of the highly anticipated sequel to 1986 hit "Top Gun" was halted last week after the entire fleet of CGI F-35s was grounded, sources confirm
WASHINGTON — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) announced today their development of a hybrid man-machine soldier that can become a booze-soaked, homeless wreck more quickly than humans, exceeding Defense
EVANSVILLE, Ind. — A Marine Corps lance corporal informed friends that he was deploying again because combat was like a drug, despite the fact that he has never tried drugs or
MEXICO CITY — Speaking to reporters at his Día de los Muertos press conference, the Grim Reaper confirmed that he will dress as U.S. Secretary of Defense James Mattis when
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – The Marine Corps achieved another military first when a rubber training rifle—more commonly known as a “rubber duck”—achieved a confirmed kill, sources confirm today. “I’
NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE — Following news that the Marine Corps has made its own "sky penis" over Southern California just a year after the Navy pulled off a
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs announced a plan today to curb non-veteran unemployment by hiring personal friends and family members into vacant positions. The move comes after news broke
BAGRAM, Afghanistan – A military contractor has nearly returned from his sixth year in Afghanistan, but despite his worn American flag patch hat, near constant operational name drops, and almost-muscular physique,
HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed
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