Army

SHOCK: Army admits flu shot paperwork keeps getting lost because it wants you to die

FORT LEAVENWORTH — The Army has admitted to losing your flu shot paperwork because it wants you to die. Like, for realz. The Army was pretty chill about its admission, not

Army scrambles to invent useless combat uniform before war with Iran

WASHINGTON — Lost in the nostalgia of developing an inexplicably useless combat uniform for use in an asinine war that didn’t need to happen during the 2000s, Army leaders are

General funk bringing the ’70s back to Army TRADOC

FORT EUSTIS, Va. — Gen. Paul E. Funk II, the commanding general of Army Training and Doctrine Command, wants TRADOC to join him in Funky Town. “It's on target,

Army lieutenant beginning to regret OCS class motto tattoo

FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. – Second Lt. Miguel Herrera, an infantry platoon leader with A Company, 1st Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment, is a man of great confidence but has a growing sense

Pest control inadvertently exterminates all civil servants at Army North

FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — A pesticide treatment at the headquarters of U.S. Army North accidentally killed all of the civil servants assigned there, according to surviving Army officers. More

Army HRC successfully matches 110% of officers to #1 assignment choice

FORT KNOX, Ky. — Army Human Resources Command (HRC) has been popping champagne corks all day after achieving a command first: 110 percent of Army officers have gotten their preferred number

Army announces first ever female PowerPoint Ranger

FORT BENNING, Ga. — Capt. Lynnette Diogo made history this week when she became the Army’s first ever female PowerPoint Ranger. Diogo, a West Point graduate, is currently the Assistant

Army to combat COVID-19 by ignoring it, punishing soldiers who follow testing directives

FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — In the face of the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, with confirmed cases on every military installation, Army leaders have taken decisive action aimed at preserving individual soldier

Army shuts down specialists’ barracks autonomous zone

Reflections of a retired Army combat uniform that never saw combat

Is this all there is? Oh my ... I think this is all there is. I was born to be a warrior. My maker designed me in the ashes of 9/

Army career manager ‘emotionally exhausted’ from screwing so many people

FORT KNOX, Ky. — Your career manager is “emotionally” exhausted from screwing so many people today, sources report. Capt. Melanie Benford, who manages the careers of aviation captains, reportedly screwed over

Ask a 1950s-Era Army doctor

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — As part of our efforts to provide world class services for readers, Duffel Blog offers expert medical advice from Dr. David Bombay. This eminent physician retired from

Army backs down from renaming fort slavery was cool

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Responding to pressure from the Trump Administration, the Army has agreed to shelve plans to rename Fort Slavery Was Cool, an Army post located just outside of Birmingham.

China’s Terracotta Army reaches 100% compliance on mandatory training

WASHINGTON — Pentagon leaders are concerned and totally jealous after China announced that its famed army of 8,000 terracotta sculptures has completed every course of the People’s Liberation Army

Army headquarters commander demands more respect around here

FORT LEE, VA. — After six months in the company commander seat for the headquarters and headquarters company, Capt. Jairo Milan is wondering why he doesn’t get the same respect

Nation shocked to learn Army North nowhere near Canada border

FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — Everyone in the United States was shocked overnight to learn that U.S. Army North is actually nowhere near Canada, according to sources who are terrified