WASHINGTON — The Trump administration still hasn't released all of the Epstein files as required by law, and is instead exploring more kinetic ways to distract public attention from this uncomfortable fact, sources confirmed today.
“And we all know the best way to divert attention from domestic problems is to bomb people with funny-sounding names overseas,” said a senior White House official. “So we’ve put together a target list of countries with weak militaries, weird names — or both — that we can hit with our few remaining Tomahawks to make sure the Big Man’s name doesn’t pop up in compromising positions in the Epstein documents.”
Duffel Blog obtained the target list for Operation PEDO PALADIN, a contingency plan officials say has been sitting in a desk drawer labeled ‘Break Glass If Accountability Appears.’ According to sources, the president doesn’t particularly care which country gets hit first, largely because he can’t find any of them on a map anyway.
Venezuela
This box is already checked. Still, despite months of joint force buildup around Puerto Rico, only Delta Force and the 160th SOAR got first crack at Venezuela’s strategic reserve of big-booty Latinas. There may yet be opportunities for you to die in a war for oil protecting U.S. petroleum interests.
And to be clear, that “oil” refers to fossilized hydrocarbons — not the baby oil Epstein once recommended to Diddy as the smoothest glide he’d ever felt.
Greenland
Sure, technically it belongs to Denmark. But aside from the dozens of Danish soldiers who died alongside U.S. troops in Afghanistan and Iraq, what have the Danes really done for us lately?
Stephen Miller (from that special category of American military-age males who nevertheless somehow Perpetually Evaded the GWOT, or PEG), Marco Rubio (PEG), Don Jr. (PEG), and Eric Trump (also PEG) all agree Greenland is critical to U.S. national security, and if you have to die for it, that’s a sacrifice they are fully prepared to let you make.
Be advised: Greenland, as part of Denmark, has access to the most formidable fixed and scatterable obstacles known to humankind — which, according to a redacted memo from Epstein to Trump, also double as excellent field-expedient butt plugs.
Canada
What, you think the Canucks can threaten to cut off America’s God-given right to watch porn and get away with it? Plus their refusal to pay exorbitant prices for shitty bourbon means Secretary of Defense and Also War “Whiskey” Pete Hegseth lost access to his favorite breakfast food. OPLAN Crimson’s about to get real for you beady-eyed, flapping-headed puck-munchers.
POTUS also needs to re-stock on Epstein’s recommended anal lube anyway.