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US Army Says The Avengers Is ‘Do-Able’

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Aberdeen Proving Ground, MD– Following the world wide release of Marvel Comics “The Avengers”, the US Army has decided they need to make film special effects into a battlefield reality. A high-ranking individual in the Army’s “Think Tank” has gone on record as saying that “it seems doable.”

The film, which is based on a comic book by Marvel, features a group of individuals that come together to fight the battles that are too big for others. The line up of the team is Captain America — a regular soldier given a “super soldier” serum and becoming our best, Thor — the Thunder God from Norse mythology, Iron Man — A billionaire genius in a high-tech suit of armor, The Hulk — a science experiment gone wrong where the madder he gets, the stronger he gets, Black Widow — a sexy super spy, and Hawkeye — a master marksman that prefers a bow and arrow.

We recently sat down with a source at U.S. Army Public Affairs who agreed to an interview. The Army Captain, who wished to remain anonymous, tried to show us how this was so simple even the Army couldn’t screw up this recipe for awesomeness and destructive capability.

Duffel Blog: First off, thank you for your time and for speaking with us about this.

Army Public Affairs Officer: No problem. We’re excited about this project. And I couldn’t help but give away some spoilers.

TDB: Indeed. So shall we just go through them one by one and you can tell me the Army’s plan to make it happen?

PAO: Sounds great.

TDB: Captain America

PAO: We give some steroids to an officer. Seems simple enough.

TDB: The Hulk

PAO: Same steroids, we just give them to a Marine… and rabies. Steroids and rabies. Again, seems simple enough.

TDB: Iron Man

PAO: Really the only thing impressive with this guy was the suit. And I mean, we’ve been working on a mech type thing since “Aliens”. You really think we haven’t made any headway on that front? We’ve just been looking for a good time to field it. Now we just need to find someone with a smartass attitude. And we know those aren’t in short supply anywhere in the Army. This whole thing isn’t too far off from the “Land Warrior” system we’ve been throwing around for a long time now.

TDB: You got me there. Moving on. Black Widow.

PAO: You are gonna give us the chance to make public something we already have? Great. Plus we’re gonna use this one for recruiting. Do you know how much our forces, and other things… are going to swell because of this one? Eh? EH?

TDB: Uhh…. Ok. Hawkeye

PAO: We’ve got marksmen all over the place. Don’t we have some Special Forces bow and arrow course or something? We have a course for everything else. Falling out of the sky. Sliding down a rope. Eating bugs while playing hide and seek. We’ll just make the course and see who is the best at it. Then boom, we have an archer.

Then we hit the snag in the interview. What is holding the Army back from making and fielding this unit that it seems would gain us the ultimate advantage in the field?

TDB: Thor?

PAO: This is the one that is kinda hanging us up right now. The whole “lightning power of a God” thing is tricky. Plus the invulnerability and a few other things. The main problem though? The hair. It’s WAY out of regs. We’re concerned that if we say cut it, it’s like Samson and we lose his power. But we can’t just let him run around like that either. We’re currently trying to figure out a way to float over the female standard from AR670-1 and make that apply just to him. Plus come up with something for the beard. We figure though, when is this guy ever gonna have to put on a Pro-Mask? So we’ll let that part slide or just make up a special reg for him lumping him in with Special Forces. And really, the Special Forces thing, it kinda fits. But after we get that through, we should be good to go.

At this point, we were awestruck. The casual manner that this gentleman had just blown through how they could field an elite fighting unit composed of the stuff of legends had us impressed. I think my source may have expected this though because he continued on to fill in where I was left without words.

PAO: I know it’s all a little mindblowing. But after seeing the movie, we thought to ourselves, why can’t we do this? It seems do-able. Hell, when we went out into the rank and file to get some opinions — as soon as we said “super soldier program” we had a line formed that we hadn’t even asked for yet. Granted, now that we have lifted the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, we also had an unexpected line form for the Black Widow role on the team. But we are all about equal opportunity in the military now so everyone is welcome to apply for all positions.

We’re going to work through the bugs and get this thing going. Maybe accepting the lowest bidder for the Iron Man suit wasn’t the best idea, but we are confident the soldiers can make it work once they get it in the field. Maybe we shouldn’t have already been trying out different “super soldier serums” on soldiers in all those “vaccinations” you get before deployment. And maybe we shouldn’t have given rabies and steroids to a guy that had a LOT of anger issues and TBI. But we’re gonna work through it all and who knows where it will lead? Me personally? I’m thinking about getting an eye patch. Ooh! And becoming black!

The Wolfman has been a military policeman in the Army since 2002. After multiple deployments, he has now been placed in a glass case that says "Break in case of war... Or zombies." He does escape from time to time to get you some hard hitting news and moonlight as The Punisher around Nashville, TN.

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Army

Army sergeant’s steampunk top hat springs class III leak in formation

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FORT LEONARD WOOD, Mo. – Army Sgt. Pennyworth Montgomery’s notably complex steampunk top hat sprung a class III leak in the middle of morning formation, sources confirmed today.

“I noticed it immediately,” said Spc. Christie Jones. “One moment the steam whistle puffed away gentle bursts of vapor to release pressure. In the next, there was clear drop formation  each of which fell from their own weight.”

Having escaped Montgomery’s notice, the leak worsened due to the internal pressure generated by the boiler apparatus held within the hat’s large stovepipe structure. This caused a torrent of scalding water to spray over the faces of two privates standing adjacent to Montgomery.

“Arrghhh!!!” screamed Spc. Michael Johnson as doctors treated him at the local burn unit. “Who even lets him wear that stupid thing?!”

The military police sergeant said an internal problem caused the top hat to send boiling water shooting on the privates who he expected to hold the position of attention.

“Well, I think the problem arose when the 25 tooth brass gear misaligned with those around it. This caused the hat’s internal dampening system to overfill with steam pressure,” Montgomery said while wearing a purple tented set of welding goggles.

“This sent a gust of steam through the incorrect piping and into a glass reservoir directly underneath the series of Edison bulbs I have attached around the top to indicate ambient air temperature and atmospheric pressure,” he continued after adjusting a few external lenses over his left eye and checking an ornate brass pocket watch.

Montgomery then opened an umbrella with a loud, “Cheerio!” and floated into the sky towards the dirigible he had moored to a light pole at the barracks parking lot.

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Army

The untold story behind the name of the US Army Special Operations Command

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The following is an excerpt from the personal journal of Lt. Gen. William Yarbrough (1912-2013), reprinted by Duffel Blog with permission from the Green Beret Association.

So here it was, June of 1998, and the Pentagon made the decision that they wanted all the Army Special Operations components under one unit umbrella. They had pretty much everything figured out except what to call the new parent command. So Eric [Shinseki], who was about to take over as chief of staff, called me up and asked me for ideas on a name.

Now, during Vietnam, Green Berets would be out doing things in the middle of nowhere, and they’d have absolutely no supplies to speak of.

Guys would be complaining that they had to do their business out there in the jungle but didn’t have anything to wipe with. The team commanders would be constantly telling people “use a sock.” Or when guys would need to take care of themselves, if you know what I mean, but there was no tissue paper handy? “Use a sock.”

Seriously, socks were easier to get than toilet paper. I still don’t know why. Guys within the Special Forces community started saying “use a sock” for literally everything. It got to the point where it almost became an institutional joke motto, sort of like “Wagner loves the cock” for the Marines.

So now here it is, I’d been retired for almost thirty years, when out of the blue I get a phone call from Eric, and he asks me to come up with an idea for a name for this new major command.

Without even thinking, I blurted out, “Use a sock.” It was just an offhand joke. I never meant for him to take it seriously. But he ran with it, and sure enough, a year and a half later, there he is, announcing the formation of USASOC (U.S. Army Special Operations Command).

I never had the heart to tell him. He’d probably be really embarrassed.

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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

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ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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Army

Retiring Sergeant Major convinced he was medieval Japanese Samurai in previous life

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sgm samurai

FORT HOOD, Texas — An Army sergeant major months from retiring after more than 30 years of service is pretty sure he was a Japanese samurai in a previous life, sources confirmed today.

“You know, I can really identify with the Samurai mindset,” sources say Sgt. Maj. Joshua Thomas, an overweight 48-year-old father of four, murmured to himself. Thomas, gently fingering a challenge coin given to him 20 years prior by the Commander of III Corps, added: “Maybe I could have been a ninja.”

Thomas recently submitted his retirement packet which has, reportedly, spurred a series of adolescent fantasies about medieval Japan. Chief among them is an image of himself in full suit of traditional samurai armor. “I can see myself on the field of battle, clutching my weary katana and squinting to see out from my lacquered mengu face mask. But it is difficult, because of the blood which makes my eyes sting.”

Thomas pivoted listlessly in his chair and sighed, according to sources, who added that for at least the past few hours he had been staring out his window, daydreaming of a snowy Japanese landscape. He ended his fidgeting by leaning back in his chair and resting his feet on a large wooden desk.

“After I aided my defeated opponents’ in ritual suicide, I would likely return to my holdings and ruminate on their courage by quietly inspecting cherry blossom trees. Maybe I would donate a portion of my yearly koku to a shrine for their kami and participate in a tea ceremony,” Thomas told reporters.

Thomas’ wife, Helen Jackson-Thomas, reports that her husband has lined up civilian work as mid-level management at an IT company just outside of Boise, Idaho. Sources confirm that his personal internet search history include the terms, “Iaijutsu Idaho,” “The Five Rings,” “Movie Forty Something Samurai,” “Clacky Practice Swords For Sale Boise,” and “Extended Tri-Care Coverage for Dependents.”

“I think I would be a weary samurai. Tired from the horrors I’ve seen, but resolute in my duty.”

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Army

First MRE eaten in war in Afghanistan finally pooped out

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JACKSON, Mo. — After more than 17 years inside a retired Special Forces soldier’s colon, the first Meals Ready-to-Eat consumed during the war in Afghanistan was pooped out this week, sources confirmed today.

1st Sgt. Jeff Donegan (Ret.) says he ate the beef ravioli MRE during the initial invasion of Afghanistan in October 2001.

“I remember it like it was yesterday. A hot, dusty afternoon on the outskirts of Kandahar. Not a rock or something in sight to lean my heater on,” Donegan said. “I cracked open that wheat snack bread knowing we’d be in it for the long haul, but I never could have imagined it would be this long.”

Donegan went on to serve three more tours in Afghanistan and two in Iraq before retiring in 2011. He said his battle to push the MRE through his intestines is an analogy for the invisible battles thousands of troops fight once they leave the service.

“I thought that once I retired, my days thinking about the war were over, and I could move on with my life,” he said. “But the years went by, and I could still feel the cheese spread inside me, gnawing at my guts. It cut down deep into my core, an obsession that I just couldn’t shake out.”

Donegan finally sought professional help to assist him in passing the MRE through his bowels. He says help is out there for the many soldiers who still struggle to defecate after eating them.

“I finally talked to a therapist and she said that it’s all about acceptance,” he added. “I needed to accept it before I could let it go, to face my demons head on. Yeah, it hurt. I think pooping out MREs hurts us all in its own way, but I got through it.”

At press the time, the most recent plate of goat meat and rice served to American troops by their Afghan partners had already been sprayed all over a local Port-a-John.

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Army

Space Force seeking applications for transfer to mobile infantry

It’s called the “Cross Into the Black” initiative.

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WASHINGTON — Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command announced today that it is seeking applications from current active-duty Army 11-series MOS and Marine 03xx-series MOS personnel for lateral transfer into the Mobile Infantry, the service’s direct-action combat arms branch.

The “Cross Into the Black” initiative seeks to recruit current infantry soldiers and Marines to take their ground combat skills to the interstellar battle space.

“Our goal is to be able to rapidly field an initial corps of trained warfighters who will then be able to train the next generation of mobile infantry,” said Space Force Lt. Col. John Rico. “Our troopers will be prepared to deal with anything, from the gritty hell of face-to-face combat, to the potentially awkward moral dilemmas that may arise from railing out your smoking-hot redhead platoon mate while you’ve still sort of got a thing for this pilot chick.”

Mobile infantry warfighting doctrine calls for rapidly deployable units that can counter not only Earth-based threats, but also potential attack from non-Earth based enemy forces. Insertion by orbital dropship is the primary assault tactic employed, as it enables rapid massing of friendly forces on the enemy objective and the establishment of a secure lodgment for follow-on operations or beer-and-bang parties.

Mobile infantry units will deploy aboard heavy fleet cruisers such as the USS Rodger Young, the first Space Force cruiser to be commissioned. The cruisers can deploy 32 Viking-class dropships, each capable of carrying one fully combat-equipped rifle platoon as well as four Conestoga-class support dropships stocked with mission-critical supplies including spare munitions, rations, hair-styling products, beer kegs, electric violins, and footballs.

Units are gender-integrated, which eases logistical and supply-chain burdens for field shower units, portable tents, personal prophylactic kits, and other sustainment provisions.

The Space Force is offering transfer bonuses of up to $20,000 for service experience of eight years or more, or the equivalent qualifying time and unlocked achievements in a candidate’s online gamer profile, as an incentive to lure experienced mid-career infantrymen away from sister services.

Applicants should have a GT score of 110 or greater on the ASVAB. Scores down to 50 are waiverable if the applicant has less than 12% body fat and flexible sexual standards.

Would you like to know more?  Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command says interested parties should visit its website for more information.

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Army

Jody Moth makes sure soldier’s lamp is okay

Don’t trust him.

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BAGRAM AIRFIELD, Afghanistan — Staff Sgt. Daniel Clark loved nothing more than connecting and video chatting with his wife back in the states. Not long ago, the deployed NCO came off a particularly tiring shift and called her up. That’s when he saw it.

“Something big was creeping around behind her,” said Clark. “I nearly panicked and yelled for her to watch out.”

Clark’s wife assured him that the ‘something big’ was nothing more than a harmless moth.

“Her explanation made sense,” said Clark, “but I just had this… uneasy feeling.”

While Clark didn’t want to make a big deal of the situation, he also couldn’t let it go. Over the next few days he did a little digging and noticed a spike in the electric bill. When he confronted his wife about it, she claimed it was probably related to the air conditioner.

“I knew right then and there she was feeding me bullshit,” said Clark. “She’s always griping that I crank the A.C. too low. If anything, the electric bill should’ve gone down.”

Clark also noticed the moth was becoming a regular part of the background whenever he dialed home during hours of darkness. Clark said his wife denied running the lamp any longer than necessary. She was growing more defensive and agitated whenever he mentioned the issue. Eventually, things came to a head.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Clark. A tear ran down his cheek. “I gave her my heart. I trusted her.”

After noticing a $200 Amazon purchase on the credit card, he logged into their account to check the order history.

“She bought a set of those color-changing ‘smart’ light bulbs—” He sniffled and used his forearm to wipe his eyes. “and some blackout curtains.”

When she stopped answering his repeated calls and messages, he knew their marriage was over. He’d seen this scenario play out with too many battle buddies too many times. Defeated, he informed his first sergeant that a divorce packet was incoming. When the company commander asked him to check his bank account, Clark responded that it wouldn’t be necessary. He already knew it was cleaned out.

Two week later, Clark received a divorce packet in the mail.

“Everyone always thinks it’ll never happen to them,” said Capt. Pete Harrington, Clark’s company commander. “Soldiers hate safety briefings and marriage counseling, but it’s all done in an effort to protect their best interests — to prevent these sorts of tragedies.”

Harrington added: “It takes a real son of a bitch moth to do this.”

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Army

Army hopeful new combat fitness test will turn the tide of war in Afghanistan

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PENTAGON — After 40 years of the same physical fitness test, the Army has announced a new combat focused test that will reverse its recent spate of war loses dating back to Vietnam, sources confirmed today.

“The new test is combat-focused,” said Esper. “It’s a game changer. Clearly our inability to properly test our soldiers’ physical fitness levels has led to some poor outcomes in recent conflicts.”

The Army Combat Readiness Test is a massive change to the current assessment and will include six events: the deadlift, power throw, push-up, sprint/drag/carry, leg tuck, and 2 mile run.

Senior Taliban leaders are clearly intimidated by the well-developed deltoids of soldiers that have been training for pilot programs to test the new ACRT, a recent Rand Corporation study shows. The research, citing several unnamed intelligence sources, stated that the Taliban are particularly concerned that soldiers well trained in the “dead-lift” could push back recent Taliban inroads in a number of provinces.

“If we had had this test back in 2001, we would have already won the war in Afghanistan,” said Maj. Gen. Malcolm Frost, who oversees the ARCT as commanding general of the U.S. Army Center of Initial Military Training. “Frankly, I can’t believe it has taken so long.”

Generals across the Army greeted the announcement with enthusiasm, while criticizing the Afghans’ poor performance on their own physical fitness test as a clear indicator of their inability to conduct combat operations. Security Force Assistance Brigades, the units charged with training indigenous forces to fight in lieu of American soldiers, are now focusing entirely on training for the ACRT.

“If we can get the Afghan Army to master the power-throw, I really think we can turn this thing around,” Staff Sgt. Damien Alverez of 1st SFAB told reporters. “I wish I had trained this way for my last six deployments.”

Esper added that he was eager to see the new ACFT implemented across the force, particularly in staff and institutional units.

“We’ve been doing entirely too much thinking and planning across the force. It’s time for our leaders to get out there and focus on what really matters. Physical training.”

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