NORFOLK — The Navy Uniform Review Board announced they would go an unprecedented six months before making sailors buy a new set of uniforms, sources confirmed today.
“After careful review, we’ve decided to find other ways to anger our sailors,” Admiral Joseph Davies said after the announcement. “But after six months we will be sure to design another dozen sets of uniforms. Changing uniforms as much as possible is in keeping with the highest traditions of the Naval service.”
Davies began drafting plans for a new uniform the moment he left the podium. This was a change from policy, which states a new uniform must be designed by the time sailors start buying the latest new uniform.
Recent uniform changes include the Naval Working Uniform, a ocean camouflage pattern designed to work in all ocean environments, and the Ocean Uniform, designed to work where the NWU pattern doesn’t work. SEALs and other special operations units were given a specific desert pattern, which kept their identities secret by making them stick out like sore thumbs. Other new uniforms include the Service Uniform and the official PT uniform, which were designed to look as stupid as possible.
Finally, the newest uniform change comes with the new coveralls, which are exactly the same as the old ones.
“I think the new uniforms are great,” said John Waters, CEO of the uniform company that makes millions whenever the Navy changes uniforms. “However, we’re working on an even better set of uniforms that the review board will love after we give them half a million dollars.”
“I can’t believe it,” Seaman Apprentice Lucy Sandberg said. “I don’t want to wait six months, I want new uniforms. I joined the Navy so I could spend my entire paycheck on new uniforms, and then get a pittance reimbursement from the Navy. I’m the fourth generation of my family to join the Navy. I’m working on getting pictures of everyone in my family who served in the Navy, and I don’t want a single one of us to be wearing the same thing.”