FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Brig. Gen. Richard Clarke, commander of the U.S. Army's elite 82nd Airborne Division, announced Wednesday that under the division's new standard operating procedures, one company in every battalion is to be designated a Quick Reaction to Bullshit Force, or QRBF.

"When we're downrange, designating a Quick Reaction Force allows us to have a unit that maintains a constant state of readiness to respond to emergencies," Clark explained. "It's equally important in garrison to have a unit that stands ready to be called in at a moment's notice for idiotic, time-wasting bullshit."

The bullshit to be executed by the QRBF includes spontaneous equipment layouts, hourly accountability formations, daily briefings on the perils of drunk driving, and new area beautification practices as outlined in FM 06-37, “Redundant Lawnmowing Operations.”