MARINE CORPS BASE HAWAII — A grossly overweight light duty commando from Combat Logistics Battalion-3 made his intentions known that he planned to ditch his beloved fast chow and light duty chits in favor of the base gym’s new line of fitness classes, sources confirmed today.
Lance Cpl. Hank Bowen made the announcement to several members of his platoon over breakfast at Cholo’s Homestyle Mexican in Haleiwa, as he devoured a chorizo and ground beef chimichanga with a side of pork nachos. He says he’s no stranger to physical training, having participated in group runs as recently as 23 months ago, but that 2018 is definitely his year.
“It’s not really a resolution per se,” he said between gulps of his Tutti Frutti Jarrito soda. “I’m just gonna live in the gym for like two — no, three hours a day —until I’m completely shredded. And then I will get a girlfriend. Probably that smokin’ little bus driver from base motors.”
Friends say Bowen only pops up in the motor pool when the roach coach shows up, and always with residue on his fingers from massive Funyun intake. There is also speculation of him forging daily trip tickets to ensure he is on the road before morning PT.
A CLB-3 mechanic, for instance, detailed just how far Bowen will go to try and look committed to fitness.
“He seriously bought all this pre-workout powder to take after we get dismissed,” Cpl. Harlan Helms said. “The whole time he’s talking shit between sips about getting six plates on the deadlift, and then sure as hell, he’s crapping himself by the time we get to the barracks. Dude slams the door and isn’t seen until hours later when someone is heading to Jack in the Box.”
Sources went on to say the Bowen likely couldn’t even find his PT gear if asked to, and his ownership of anything resembling athletic shoes is questionable. Still, they say his pestering has become incessant since first making his bullshit intentions known.
Helms could only scoff when asked how he sees things playing out. “The only way that fat idiot could even find the base gym is if a dump truck dropped a load of French crullers in front of it and his nose radar went off.”
Duffel Blog attempted to reach Bowen’s company gunnery sergeant for comment, but was told his uncontrollable laughter had not subsided by press time.