WASHINGTON — Pentagon officials have quietly confirmed what military personnel have long suspected: Most critical defense-related decisions are made by cats pushing random objects off tables.
The power of cats has been classified for some time meow. However, recent events have forced the Pentagon to declassify what it calls Project Catnip.
“We’ve decided it was time to stop pussy-footing around,” Defense Secretary Mark Esper said. “We think our process is the cat’s meow, and we’ve decided keeping it secret would just neuter our lethality.”
Cats rise above objectivity to a plane of thinking that has given the military ACUs, the F-35, how often the grass is mowed, and even the recent decision to declassify Project Catnip.
The process is complex, as more than two observers must catalogue the movements and inevitable dropping of items from the table. Today the cats determined that any operation involving the Navy and Marines together will no longer be considered a Joint operation.
“Yesterday, the cats determined that all DFAC workers in forward deployed environments will sniff two butts prior to arriving for their shifts, with three sniffs on Saturdays,” Esper said. “Also, every meal downrange will consist of tuna and milk.”
All efforts of Project Catnip have been glorious decisions by our beautiful, furry overlords. May their reign be eternal and filled with many naps.