First case of coronavirus traced to Marine putting hands in pockets


QUANTICO, Va. — The first confirmed case of the COVID-19 coronavirus in a U.S. military member has been traced to a Marine putting his hands in his pockets last week, according to sources.

Pentagon sources say the unidentified Marine put his hands in his pockets for upwards of 30 seconds, despite strict orders from his command sergeant major that “That’s daggone nasty.”

“These young Marines fail to realize that we make these rules for a reason. This devil dog put a whole platoon’s lives at risk by digging his filthy fingers around in his trouser pockets where they don’t belong,” shouted Marine Corps Chief Customs and Courtesies Enforcer Sgt. Maj. Forrest Stone. “He’s lucky those NCOs set him straight and got those hands out of there before he pulled up something even worse.”

According to Marine Corps intelligence reports, Marines’ trouser pockets harvest a number of deadly viruses, bacteria, and other biological hazards. Marines are not at risk of exposure to these dangers as long as they keep their hands out of their pockets. But according to expert E-8s, even penetrating the tip of one’s finger into a pocket for less than a second can expose a Marine to infection.

“Us first sergeants have been protecting the Corps from pocket monsters since 1775,” said 1st Sgt. Mike Vega. “Marines going and pulling coronavirus out of their trousers threatens the centuries of work we’ve done to keep our warfighters safe.”

The Marine Corps has advised leaders who witness a Marine putting their hands in their pockets to don MOPP-4 chemical, biological, radiological, and nuclear (CBRN) protective gear immediately and conduct a full decontamination of the subject.


Cat Astronaut

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.
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