Airshow canceled over concerns of being too boring


MAYPORT, Fl. — This year’s Jacksonville Military Appreciation Air Show in Florida, billed as the state’s biggest military air display, has been canceled over concerns over being way too fucking boring and not due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The show, which usually draws more than 90,000 spectators, was scheduled for mid-July at Naval Station Mayport. However, because the air show had literally nothing different from last year or the year before that, organizers canceled the event knowing that no one would genuinely enjoy themselves and would instead basically zone out about 10 minutes into the show.

Capt. Bobby Thomas, the base’s commanding officer, made the decision because of “a serious case of lack of enthusiasm” and not necessarily due to the continuing COVID-19 outbreak, according to a statement from the base Wednesday.

“The Jacksonville Military Appreciation Air Show brings in spectators from all across the state and from all over the country who want to express their patriotism,” Thomas said in the statement. “While we initially thought that this would be our biggest and most exciting airshow yet, we just realized that it’s just not worth it and people should just find something more exciting to do like pond fishing or watching grass grow.”

 “Are people really going to care? Oh look! It’s Jerry and his biplane crop duster and he’s doing loop-de-loops! Whoop-de-fucking-doo!” he said.

The base said that even though the show is the largest military air show in the state, there seems to be little in interest in trying to find parking, sitting in the sun for 8 hours, standing in line for fried dough and $9 beers, and then getting stuck in traffic for hours while exiting the base just to feel somewhat patriotic.

Other air shows have also been canceled this year in Arizona and North Carolina, all due to the fact that local interest has dwindled when spectators collectively realized that wearing sweaty ear protection is gross and they’ve all seen airplanes before.

Naval Station Mayport says it looks forward to attempting to host the annual air show event again next year if anyone gives a shit.


Slab Squatthrust
When I was 8 years old, my 3rd grade teacher told me I was completely useless. A waste of human space and time taken from those who actually make an effort in this world. She hated me. Well guess what Mrs. Sonderman; fuck you. I hope you die alone and angry. Wait...what am I supposed to be writing here again?
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