KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Officials in Afghanistan’s Independent Election Committee announced they are working closely with the United Nations to deploy teams of police and soldiers to the United States to provide oversight and monitoring services, and to help the U.S. secure its polling sites for the November elections.
“It is our duty ensure American citizens have a chance at a free and fair election,” Afghan President Ashraf Ghani told reporters from a blast-proof bunker at an undisclosed location near Kabul. “But we realize our advisors will have a difficult road ahead keeping peace on the violent streets of Portland and among the religious extremists of the Appalachian regions.”
“I’ve seen Deliverance.”
As the American 2020 presidential election approaches, many observers around the world are concerned about the United States’ ability to uphold its fragile emerging democracy. Rampant disinformation, threats of election fraud, and voter suppression and intimidation at the polls, all stemming from the existing government, have many observers fretting over the possibility of the United States becoming a failed state.
While the election committee teams will be based in Washington, D.C., remote teams will be dispatched to various locations around the United States, including Birmingham, Seattle, Chicago, and Los Angeles.
“I’m going to Baltimore!” said Abdul al-Aziz, an elections monitoring team leader from Jalalabad. “I’m super excited, dude. I’ve watched every season of The Wire like three times. I just hope I get assigned to West Side.”
Task Force Tiger King, a nod to a U.S. folk hero, will monitor polling sites to ensure proper procedures are followed and will have mentors on site to coach voters in the proper method for reading a ballot. Teams will also be dispatched to give community classes on how the Electoral College actually works and basic civics as a refresher for American voters.
Not everyone is confident in the likelihood of success.
“They’re just not ready for free elections,” said Achmed bin Rakim of Nuristan, “We’ve seen how their elections go. It’s pretty much pay for play. You’re not going to change them. As a country, they’ve only been around for a couple hundred years. That’s not long enough to understand freedom and self-governance.”
Whiskey Fueled Tirade contributed reporting and imagery to this report.