By W.E. Linde
LANGLEY, Virginia — Analysts from the Central Intelligence Agency and other representatives of the U.S. Intelligence Community warned today that China may be able to develop its own Top Gun movie in as little as two years.
“Until recently, the [Intelligence Community] consensus was that China may never be able to field a fully functional Top Gun type movie,” said U.S. Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Michael M. Gilday. He noted that while the People’s Liberation Army has made some impressive advances in over-the-top, ground force-related military cinema, China’s lack of a modern aircraft carrier force made a serious attempt at a muscular, testosterone-intensive naval air force movie practically impossible.
“Not to mention we thought the ‘Tom Cruise gap’ was insurmountable,” Gilday added.
This second point was the foundation of the CIA’s previous assessment, as China’s ability to produce Tom Cruise-grade actors has hobbled the nation for decades. Although China launched its most advanced aircraft carrier earlier this year, top analysts remained confident that the PLANAF (the naval arm of China’s army) remained decades behind in developing a Cruise-capable lead actor.
“This was a big miss,” admitted Daryll Tylor, a spokesperson for the CIA’s Directorate of Operations. “We thought that China could conceivably enlist someone like Jackie Chan, but his age and style would likely produce more of a seafaring Shanghai Noon film. But credible reports indicate that Chinese military researchers may very well have jumped forward several generations and indigenously developed a talented and cocky actor who could spearhead a Chinese Top Gun capability.
Last year, China released a historically dubious but high-quality movie about the Battle of Chosin Reservoir called The Battle at Lake Changjin, which broke China’s box office records. “It’s likely that some of the younger actors from this movie provided the prototype for the surprise, 5th generation Tom Cruise,” said Tyler.
However, even if China’s naval forces become a sexy, Top Gun capable navy, their ability to fully exploit the capability is unclear. The country’s first such attempt in 2011 met with failure after the PLANAF deployed the movie Sky Fighters, only to have it sink due to its poor design and widely mocked beach volleyball scene with flabby, uncut naval officers. Regardless, the CIA remains alarmed.
“Surveillance photos have shown China has invested heavily in upgrading their naval beach volleyball courts over the past five years,” said Navy Capt. Roger Ebert, an intelligence reviewer. “We laughed, not realizing it was part of a coordinated strategy. Now we may soon pay the price for our lack of vigilance. Have you seen [Chinese actor] Wu Jing? That dude is jacked.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, blogger/writer at DamperThree.com. Strives to be a satirist, but probably just sarcastic. Twitter @welinde