BAGRAM, Afghanistan – A military contractor has nearly returned from his sixth year in Afghanistan, but despite his worn American flag patch hat, near constant operational name drops, and almost-muscular physique, he has never actually served in the military, sources confirm today.

Mark Snufflepuff has never let that stop him, though, pushing the boundaries of what may or may not be considered stolen valor. He retains the right to blanket his social media with cringeworthy pro-American memes, pictures of his pre-workout, and his ability to make bad financial decisions.

"Vet culture is American culture. I don't see really any difference from me and the guys pulling the triggers," Snufflepuff said. "Hell no, I've never left the office. Well, the office and the gym. And the DFAC, massage parlor, Pizza Hut, the usual."

Snufflepuff has created an exhaustive to-do list after waking up from his post-deployment hangovers. It includes physical therapy appointments for bad knees he acquired from l…