Invoking military heroism, Congressman Santos pleads not guilty
Plans to chair Armed Services Committee, cure cancer
WASHINGTON, DC - War hero, underwear model, motivational speaker and recently-elected congressman George Santos this week pled not guilty to federal charges of fraud and theft, stating in court that his long record of military service should indicate that he would never break the law.
“I wasn’t a space shuttle door gunner on Utah beach so I could stand by and watch POGs make up false claims against me,” Santos said, shirtsleeves rolled up to reveal a tattoo reading, “Sempers Lead the Fi” on one forearm.
Party leadership rallied around the longtime conservative stalwart.
"It is an absolute miscarriage of justice to see this proud combat veteran of The Great War, a man who has devoted his life to honor, integrity and courage, charged with lying and cheating his way to success," said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy in a statement. “I am proud to support one of the nine Republicans through whom we retain a narrow congressional majority and my overwhelmingly supported speakership.”
Santos' supporters welcomed the news as well.
"I met George Santos when he was campaigning outside a Kid Rock show," said one constituent. "He told me how he won the Metal of Honor four times, once in each service, all while serving as the main DJ at Burning Man. With only 18.4% of our congresspeople being actual veterans, he's the kind of action hero we need overseeing our military, fighting the Deep State Lizard People and keeping these woke generals in line.”
Santos' campaign site gives a characteristically brief but vivid description of the freshman congressman's service, saying that “prior to his six terms as a U.S. Congressman, doctor, Navy SEAL, pilot and astronaut, he served as a spec ops medic who rucked a fifty cal for hundreds of miles into Iraq after parachuting in with his platoon of Marine amphibious vehicles. He was appointed to Hero Squad and awarded several Gold Stars with ‘V’ for ‘Victory’ for carrying Don Shipley to safety.”
The site adds that Santos "shot bin Laden, and his dad raised the flag at Iwo Jima just before being the first man on the moon."
Santos, who has been mostly soft-spoken since taking office, ardently rejected challenges to his integrity as he advocated for his own assumption of the chairmanship of one of the most important committees in the US government.
“I have already successfully led this committee through three or four wars, depending on whether or not you count Grenada, and I’m a graduate of both the Air Force and Coast Guard Academies — how could even I, a man who taught Jocko Willink everything he knows about time management, have time to commit seven counts of wire fraud, three counts of money laundering, one count of theft of public funds, and two counts of making materially false statements to the House of Representatives?” he said, adding that, as the first openly gay Republican in the house he has “a really hot boyfriend who lives in Canada, but you guys wouldn’t know him.”
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