Satanic Chaplain Scores 666 on Combat Fitness Test
Presence of "Lamb having seven horns and seven eyes" unexplained
“Dark Lord, be with me….hyyyyyahhhhh!!!!”
FORT LIBERTY, NC — While most Chaplains primarily focus on spiritual fitness, Chaplain (Capt) Malcolm Abbadon is turning heads all the way around due to a different kind of fitness. Abbadon, who represents the Church of Satan, recently set a record-breaking score of 666 points on the recently revamped Army Combat Fitness Test.
“Having Malcom on the team, I’d have to say we are truly… uh, blessed?” stammered the visibly uncomfortable Chaplain (Col) Bob Jonas, senior Chaplain for the 18th Airborne Corps and Abbadon’s supervisor. “I mean, Fort Bra…ahem…Fort Liberty was truly in need of a spiritual minister to cater to… well… uh… let’s just say that Chaplain Abbadon is filling a unique need for a storied installation like Fort Liberty, and his physical fitness is a sight to behold.”
Staff Sgt. Anders Jensen, a Norse Pagan who met Abbadon through his Inverted CrossFit group fitness program, is truly inspired by the Satanic practitioner’s ‘unholy’ deadlift. “I may not be down with the sigil of Baphomet, but the church of gains is truly non-denominational.” While scratching his Army-sanctioned beard, he added, “That guy fires me up, if you know what I mean.”
Chaplain Abbadon’s standing power throw came to the attention of Lt. Gen. Chris Donahue, Commanding General of Fort Liberty, when the thrown medicine ball streaked past his corner office window followed by a trail of flames. “After the CG was assured that we weren’t under attack by Chinese medicine-ball drones, he demanded to congratulate the Soldier in person” according to 18th Airborne Corps Chief of Staff Col. John Coggins.
Donahue, recognized as the last Soldier to leave Afghanistan, had nothing but praise for Abbadon. “Chaplain Abbadon is clearly a standout leader and a tremendous asset to the organization. I am still not sure how he managed to score above the 600-point maximum, but then again, I majored in Infantry at West Point, not Math.”
Fort Liberty G1, Lt. Col Tony Karisty, wanted to assure everyone he had tremendous respect for Chaplain Abbadon, but was “pretty sure” the record-breaking score was a glitch in the new Army personnel database system. “I am immensely proud of our Fort Liberty Soldiers and their mental and physical toughness, but that score is just impossible.” However, Karisty admitted that he did not witness Abbadon’s 13-minute plank that appeared to involve levitation, nor did he observe the purple lightning rending the earth during his sprint-drag-carry.
“I was summoned here to serve in the Corps of the great sky dragon,” stated Abbadon while rocking a ‘number of the beast-mode’ tank top at the gym. “I look forward to my continued ministry here amongst the most elite of Uncle Sam’s acolytes.”
Ironic Major is a writer for @DuffelBlog. Aspiring mumble rapper. Notorious party crasher. Common sense aficionado. I also do balloon animals at parties.