“Dark Lord, be with me….hyyyyyahhhhh!!!!”

FORT LIBERTY, NC — While most Chaplains primarily focus on spiritual fitness, Chaplain (Capt) Malcolm Abbadon is turning heads all the way around due to a different kind of fitness. Abbadon, who represents the Church of Satan, recently set a record-breaking score of 666 points on the recently revamped Army Combat Fitness Test.

“Having Malcom on the team, I’d have to say we are truly… uh, blessed?” stammered the visibly uncomfortable Chaplain (Col) Bob Jonas, senior Chaplain for the 18th Airborne Corps and Abbadon’s supervisor. “I mean, Fort Bra…ahem…Fort Liberty was truly in need of a spiritual minister to cater to… well… uh… let’s just say that Chaplain Abbadon is filling a unique need for a storied installation like Fort Liberty, and his physical fitness is a sight to behold.”