NORFOLK, Va. — A veteran found himself in an predicament when it came time to pay for his traditional wing combo after a group lunch break at the local Buffalo Wild Wings — he did not have a USAA card, sources confirmed today.
Navy veteran Phil Cohen watched in utter humiliation as coworker after coworker placed down USAA debit and credit cards to split the check.
“I was right about to flip out my Diner’s Club card when I just froze and realized I’m not part of the whole USAA club,” said Cohen. “There wasn’t enough cash in my wallet, so I had to go through several scenarios on how to handle the situation — pretend someone stole my wallet, go to the bathroom and never come back, or pour the rest of my beer on my head and plead insanity.”
Cohen began sweating profusely before sliding his card across the table, according to his co-workers.
“I thought to myself, ‘Why does he hate freedom?’ and ‘Doesn’t he know he can earn unlimited 1.5% cash back on every purchase?’ He’s probably been paying ATM fees this whole time!” said Tim Howell, a member of the USAA cult.
Other coworkers report Cohen probably could have asked for someone to spot him. However, it seemed like he was going to spontaneously combust.
“We all calmly asked him to join us in unison, to join the USAA clan, to pledge allegiance to savings and military friendly discounts. That seemed to make things worse,” said Jennie Aldrich, whose USAA face tattoo made it clear where her loyalty lies.
“They probably think I’m a Russian operative pretending to be American. What if they mention this during my next clearance interview? Am I going to have to start having lunch alone? I’m so sad,” Cohen said.
Cohen added that he has been using the General Car Insurance, that his bank is SunTrust Bank, and he has been investing through his cousin Steve who "has lots of stocks."