WASHINGTON — Sgt. Roger “Patriot Eagle” Johnson, a fervent believer in freedom, liberty, and whatever’s on the dark side of YouTube, has reportedly taken his love of country to the next level: orchestrating a patriotic coup to “restore” the very government he swore to defend.
Johnson’s passion for his nation reportedly began as a young boy, watching bald eagles soar across the sky and weeping every time Toby Keith hit a high note. Over time, this burning love for the red, white, and blue has spiraled into far higher levels of enthusiasm.
“The Founding Fathers, man,” said Johnson. “They’d want this. Jefferson had like 12 AR-15s back in 1776, and Washington? That dude had a tank.”
When asked where he learned this information, Johnson pointed to a stack of printed Facebook memes.
